After I posted about a sea change in my writing, two people left the blog. It is already small and I sense that it could be ending. I say this because the silence in me grows stronger than the words that fill it. This is an old essay to fill space on this war-torn Sunday, the first day in May.

Snapdragons

The old keyboard will soon be changed for a new one. The letter “N” has all but disappeared on it. Why that one? I have no idea. But I like the idea of wearing a keyboard out. It brings to mind how I stood in my neighbor’s flower bed popping the snapdragons. I must have been 3 or 4 years old.The pods would open and tumble out black seeds. Somehow that sense of being one with nature disappeared and I have been primarily a mental being, sad to say.

But my voluminous amount of words is hopefully like those seeds. Some take root in hearts now and then, especially when I pull out all of the stops. I don’t mind doing that, for the heart is vastly under-served in our pathetically shallow society.

My loves know who they are and they are few in number. I have never been as profligate as those snapdragons were. I have treasured depth instead of width, for sure. I am not easy to live with, but some would say I mattered to them. I know we all feel that it is important to matter.

I remember a man with multiple myeloma visiting the website I started in support of Bob. He wrote that visiting it was like visiting a Zen temple. That mattered to me, for he was on the way home, just like Bob. It is hard to walk people home when the return journey will be alone. But we are choiceless in this.

Sometimes I am overcome with loss and at other times I am deeply grateful for having exactly the life I have. It is blooming in new places and I continue to pop the seeds at the keyboard. Fun, it is a lot of fun to share my words with all of you.

Love,
Vicki