I have been engaged with truth with a capital “T” for a lifetime now. I had no choice in this; I seemed to be given a chance to grow if I studied myself and my reactions all the time.

Of course, I missed the mark, but to this day, I keep on trying.

Here is what I know. It is not what happens to me; it is how I remain aware as much as I can all of the time.

Truth is a holy thing, but you must learn to love it instead of your own reactions to life.

Failure is a gift and a promise. “Admit you are failing and I will lead you out of despair and into light.”

Above the level of despairing over your problems lies your ability to be humble before God.

That is a nutshell teaching.

Vicki Woodyard

Dear Friends,

Rob has now recuperated from his incomplete surgery earlier this month. The next attempt at removing the kidney stone will be in May. Meanwhile I had a hearing test and asked the doctor if he knew of anything that would help a vocal tremor. I had read that sometimes botox injections were used and he confirmed that. When I got home, I googled that to find out how the injections are administered. They give a shot into the neck where the voice box is. Ugh! Still, I may get frustrated enough to let them try.

Other than that, I stay nervous these days. I feel a lot of pressure about Rob’s surgery, praying it will succeed this time. I know he is fearful about it, since the first attempt at running a wire/tube
into the correct place in his kidney failed.

I have hardly noticed spring, since I feel the pressure of staying organized.

I have said nothing spiritual in this note. I am too familiar with what I should say but don’t say and what I shouldn’t say and say anyway.

Scorpios tell it like it is and my Virgo ascendant renders me a perfectionist. But I am older now and everything does not happen on time anymore.

Ramana has said that effort is bondage and I am chained to my sense of duty. Things never work out as planned and I place awakening in that category.

I have spent the greater part of a lifetime delving deep into esoteric teachings. Some of them have stuck and many haven’t. It’s like throwing darts into a Peeps.

I ask myself what the most important thing in my day is and I wait for the answer, as it has not become clear yet. Perhaps it is to go easy on myself. The Bible doesn’t say “Go easy on thyself,” but maybe I will write my own scriptures. Giggle.

Vicki Woodyard

This is your life….

One of the first things that I learned from Vernon Howard is that this is YOUR life and it must be dedicating to waking up. He knew that he was speaking to unconscious people, so he spoke to us in his lectures with seriousness and depth.

It was an experience in discomfort to sit and listen to him drilling down into the depths of the human psyche. I knew that I was his student, having had a dream of traveling to the desert and being shown a protected classroom there.

When all of the teachings have fallen away, there is only the One and you are it. No one to learn from, no one to blame or excoriate, no decisions to be made, just mere being. And don’t say you always knew that; you didn’t. There is no more “you.” There is only “I am.” Then the will of God is your will. You and I will forget, yet the “I am” cannot be uprooted by the fragile ego.

Vernon Howard knew that the ego is a hard nut to crack and he hammered that truth into our heads. I was deeply serious about following The Work, as it was called in the days of Gurdjieff.

We are not interested in psychological interpretations, but in esoteric ones.

Vernon taught the Work in weekly talks geared to make us uncomfortable.

My own notes are peppered in teachings of The work as I understand it to be. We are not trying to please other people or become intellectually deep. We are here to witness our inner and outer life.

So tomorrow’s essay will be a mystery to both you and me. I am not channeling; I am simply doing what I can with the gift that I have been given.

Vicki Woodyard

I was quite distressed when I woke up this morning to find that there is now a decided quiver in my voice. Also, my head to toe tremor is worse. There is nothing that can be done about my voice.

I am getting a hearing evaluation in a week and had trouble filling out the forms. Rob can help me with that.

I guess you could call this a challenge, but I am depressed about this. Perhaps some of you can encourage me to stay positive.

Rob’s second attempt by the radiologist and then removal of the kidney stone is sometime in May.

It is hard to be mentally okay but physically impaired.

The teachings seem far away this morning,

Love,

Vicki

I am feeling swamped. Although my sister came to take Rob for his surgery and bring him home, the stress wore me out. I have far less energy than I used to. I have no idea how long I will be able to type my essays; that will depend on the progression of the tremor. They always get worse in time.

Rob still has to have the same procedure and hopefully, it will succeed this time. He will definitely stay at the hospital for a few days then.

Last night I had a very good dream. The contents are forgotten, but the dream itself offered me comfort.

I like to keep things organized and the box ( NOKBOX) that my sister gave me will help me get my important papers together in an orderly fashion. At this point Rob is doing almost everything for me, but my laundry.

When things are emotionally charged is when I get shakier.

I have told the dream in which I was walking with Vernon Howard and he told me to stop being so accommodating. And If I had said I could not help at a meeting somewhere, I would never have gotten the tremor. I caught the flu at that meeting and ended up in the hospital. About 4 years ago is when the tremor started and my neuro said it was highly likely that the full-body tremor happened then. Unlike Parkinson, my tremor only happens when I make a movement of any kind. Sitting still there is no tremor.

Writing is hard, so perhaps I will write less; I don’t know.

I do know that writing is my job, so I will go on until it dawns on me that I cannot be at the Mac anymore.

In the meantime, l am sending love to all of you, for we are all connected whether we know it or not.

Love,
Vicki

A few days ago the microwave died. We ordered a new one online and it is sitting in the kitchen. Rob says he can lift it, but I don’t want him to. We are getting the yard mowed today for the first time since last summer. Maybe the man who mows the yard can put the new microwave on the counter for me.

Rob is going for his pre-surgery check in today and my sister will be here tomorrow night. His surgery is not until Thursday and he has to check in on Wednesday night. She will be with him at the hospital since I am not able to go. I can still do things at home, but in the main, I am too weak to do anything like I used to.

Lucky for me, I can still write to you. What is on my mind is how to be grateful for all the help that is given us. My sister is the best; she will do Reiki on him and be there when he is brought back to his room. I am guessing it will just be an overnight stay; it depends on how he feels after the surgery.

Yesterday I got my hair cut short and that feels good. I didn’t watch the Oscars or the news.

How does my lifetime on the spiritual path help me? I ask myself that question. And the answer is that I have always been choiceless. Everything just happens in the only way it can happen. When I was younger, I didn’t know that, but now it is beginning to sink in.

I am losing ground to the tremor, so I try to accept my limits gracefully. I do, maybe 75% of the time! Gratitude arises for all that Rob does for me; he is a silent backup for me in things I can no longer do. Doing is overrated when compared to being, but when you cannot do certain things, it is very, very important.

I have the luxury of pursuing my True Self, but as hard as I look, I cannot find her. The day is young and hope abounds. Once I find her, it will be a huge relief. She is standing behind me right now as I type. She is invisible so has the edge on me. I feel her presence when I surrender and I can be awfully stubborn about turning loose of my affairs.

Vicki Woodyard

When all of the teachings have fallen away, there is only the One and you are it. No one to learn from, no one to blame or excoriate, no decisions to be made, just mere being. And don’t say you always knew that; you didn’t. There is no more “you.” There is only “I am.” Then the will of God is your will. Sigh. You and I will forget, yet the “I am” cannot be uprooted by the fragile ego.

Vicki Woodyard

I wonder why I continue to write; I am getting shakier. The silence is all that remains, ultimately.
That is true for we human beings and we are barely even human anymore. The lies are covering up the truth. I was drawn to a truth-telling teacher because that was my fate. Fate and silence are almost the same thing.

We have seen that the planet is being poisoned and children are dying of starvation. We care only for what can distract us from the truth. Yes, amazon can cure us if we order enough treats.

I write for a minuscule number of readers. That is okay because I am connecting to you via a channel of silence. Can you feel it?

Can you feel how my fingers touch the keys?

More and more I rest in the nothingness of silence.

Who says that all of us are social beings? Jesus came to rattle a few cages.

I love to write things that touch people, that make them feel alive just for a moment.

The rest is disposable chitchat.

Vicki Woodyard