We have a new blood pressure machine now so I can send the doctor a week’s worth of measurements. Gizmos like this make me nervous; I have been awkward with “things that do things” since I was born, apparently.

I have a memory of my father getting frustrated with me because I couldn’t figure out how to use a combination lock. In high school, my best friend and I had to go to summer school because we failed geometry. Otherwise, I was a straight-A student.

I was a terrible driver and have now given it up— lucky for me I have a chauffeur who goes by the name of Rob.

More other things I can’t do. Can’t sew; that was proven in Home Economics. I got a C on the skirt I had to make; it was a hideous shade of olive green. My best friend got an A and actually wore her skirt to school.

After I married an engineer with a degree from Georgia Tech, I sighed in relief. He would take over all tasks that I was not wired to do. But guess what, he lacked skills in what I was good at (and they are very few.)

Rob got the best of both of us; now he has taken over the cooking and bottle-washing as well.

The woman manning these keys found meaning in her life when she began to write online. She was honest and willing to spend huge amounts of time writing and posting, writing and posting.
Two books were written as a result and they never involved doing any of the things that I can’t do.

I am not enlightened yet; I am told that I will be “someday.” I can live with that, as long as I don’t have to paint a fresco or be a “yegg.” (Look that one up).

Vicki Woodyard

 

Someday

Someday soon I will be gentler on myself and others. Someday soon I will acknowledge and honor all of my genuine preferences. As an elder in the tribe, I wear my silver hair gladly. As a mother, I will strive to keep my constant requests for help actually necessary. And what do I mean by that? I mean that I am always asking Rob to figure out such and such a phone thing. (I hate my cell phone.) In fact, I dislike phone conversations.

Right now I will drink more water, eat less sugar and get more exercise. I took a morning walk and genuinely enjoyed it. My blood pressure was lower yesterday, so the high number, hopefully, was because of “white coat syndrome.”

Today Rob is going to hear Neal Young on the other side of town, so my aim today is to “not bother” him. I am using his brain more than mine these days.

Every day I will slow down, for I tend to race through everything.

I will accept my limits and honor them.

I will look in the mirror less critically.

I will say “no” more often.

So these days, my everyday life is grist for the mail. Gone are the days of studying truth and that is a comfort.

Let’s face it, kids; we aren’t kids. We don’t need any permission to be true to ourselves.

Love to all,
Vicki

 

The edges around my life are fraying. Can anyone identify? I slept not a wink last night. I finally got up at 4:30 and had breakfast. I went back to bed and simply couldn’t sleep.

I am getting yard work done today, so I must be dressed to give a check to the men who maintain the yard. Probably best to get dressed, anyway.

The edges are fraying all over the world. There is too much unnecessary death and sorrow . As humankind, we have gone berserk. I attribute much of it to the news. They exaggerate and exacerbate everything, for there is money to be made there. I fear we are in the process of killing off human life just for the sake of headlines. Everyone loses in this game.

Rob and I had a nice dinner out at our favorite Mexican restaurant and we finished off the day by doing a bit of grocery shopping. As soon as my head hit the pillow, the insomnia began.

Try as I might, I cannot pretend any longer. Positive thinking is wishful thinking, as those of us on the path know.

Let us play our parts as mindfully as we can.

We won’t get applauded for that, but at the very least we can stop lying to ourselves.

There is something wrong with us and only awareness can right our individual ships. We must be mindful of our selfishness and realize that there is only The Self and it is us.

Doing our inner work is vital because it will save us if not the world.

Sit in silence a part of each day. Someone is listening and it is you. Silence untangles the web of thoughts and emotions.

Keep listening to the silence. It rings with grace.

I had trouble writing this, which is very unusual for me. I will leave it be, however. Doing nothing can be a potent form of protest. I yield to what is.

Vicki Woodyard

 

Unfurling the Hours and the Days

Everyday is a new test waiting just for you. Mine this morning was an email from my web host saying that my site had been rejected and the amount they refunded was half of what I paid. I then made notes and got someone on the line there and told her about the email I had received.

She had a very calm voice and had resolved the matter in five minutes, saying that the order
hadn’t completed yet. She re-entered the order and this time approval had come through and that I was good to go. She had a very calm pleasant voice and I appreciated that.

Have you ever noticed the voice inside your head that tells you what to do? Mine makes me hurry, so I am apt to make mistakes. There is always a sense of urgency about what I do.

From Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger:

“Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them—if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry.”

I read this book when I was young and had not yet started on the spiritual path. I loved it, but I didn’t really get how deeply it strikes the human soul.

I have kept records that became my essays. If even one person learns anything from me, it is how forgetful we all are. Memories are selective and often dim, yet sometimes they routinely burst into our minds like bullies. We shake and worry, sensing that life hangs by a thread of hope on good days and a threat of despair right alongside it.

We are creatures made up of the opposites. We forget this at our own peril. Above the opposites lies Mount Redemption. It is a long hard trek over rocky ground. And we are always just a bit out of step. Nevertheless, Real I is watching over us as we travel one by one. This is no Club Med, but the truest route to self-realization. Climb on, climb on.

Vicki Woodyard

 

Dear Friends,

I have just signed up for another year to keep my website online. I feel that this will be the last year unless something changes. It is not cheap, although what I write is free for you to read.

We know each other well; I feel that I was born to be a writer. At first I wanted to be a comedy writer, as you all know. But after my daughter’s death, that changed. It would be a while before I begin to write online.

My old blog is gone forever and I will always regret letting it go. The one I have now is barely there and I use it to post these notes to you all.

I still have a lot to say, which is a good thing. I have developed a certain voice, which is very personal about impersonal teachings!

I let it all hang out when I sit down at the Mac to type an essay. Some are better than others and this year I will be looking back on some of my better ones.

Right now I am in the middle of a yearly physical and a couple of visits to specialists. Overall I am in good health outside of the neurological issues. These reinforce my need for quietude. I find by sitting quietly I always feel better.

I would love to hear from all of you that look forward to what I write. Some of you I have come to know, but a lot of you remain invisible and that’s okay. The internet can be used for all kinds of things.

I am good at seeing through the conventions we all have to follow and my writing sometimes reflects that. The true path is individual and lonely. It takes a lifetime to even make a dent in one’s own particular failings. Just ask my son!

I like to write down to the bone. Be advised (giggle).

Love,
Vicki Woodyard

 

I always say that I write intuitively and instinctively. That keeps what I say fresh, or I hope it does. This is a quiet Sunday afternoon and I am keeping my mind as still as I can. This is because the root of our troubles arises in the form of thoughts and feelings.

I have been studying truth for a long time. The truth is quickly grasped, but the mind is always in a hurry to forget what is important for the soul.

Just as the tide erases sand castles, so does thought erase the truth. Thought is the great eraser. It is mechanical by nature, so it takes a lifetime to practice the presence of God.

The first three paragraphs state the dilemma of us all. It is of utmost importance to get familiar with the enemy, because it is your own thoughts and the feelings that arise from those thoughts.

Everyone of us are plagued with mechanical thoughts. How do we use this information? There is only one way and that is to see what is upsetting you from big things to small ones.

Slow your thoughts down and breathe.

Let go of the idea that you control your life. Everything just happens in the only way that it can happen. Might as well surrender. And, by the way, humility is our greatest teacher.

 

I have been on the path most of my life and the deepest influence has been The Work, as taught by Gurdjieff and others of that persuasion. The Work is, essentially, the Tao. That is, we have no free will, but we think we do. Thus we spend our lives in a fruitless search for wholeness and ease. That search only ends in us continuing to let the opposites rule our lives.

The Tao is not just an eastern teaching; it is what Jesus taught his disciples. The Bible is not just a Christian thing; it teaches the destiny of mankind if it does not rise above the opposites of good and evil.

Adam and Eve were tossed out of the Garden and then they began their human lives outside of it. On earth, we think in opposites, not conscious enough to rise above them.

I look at my life and see how conflicted I have been. I try to do good but I do bad. “The good that I would, I do not,” as one of the disciples said. So the Work is about waking up to the fact that we must see ourselves clearly so that we can transcend our personalities.

Today the world is at the edge of extinction, which is totally caused by mankind and its disregard for life. It is not enough to believe in a religion that can save us; that is exoteric thinking. No, we must see the turmoil in which we live and spend our lives wanting to transcend the opposites.

And so I see myself as honestly as I can. My life turns on the opposites, as does yours. It is like a merry-go-round of them and it is only the rare man or woman that can rise above the opposites. Then they can see clearly the “peril of the situation,” as Gurdjieff put it. We are not angels or devils; we are the Self in all beings.

Let us cherish this seed of being that was implanted in us at our birth. We may not succeed in total transcendence, but it is a holy way to live. In rare moments we see the Way and allow it to happen, rather than force ourselves to choose one opposite or the other. This allows grace to flow, if even for a moment.

Vicki Woodyard

 

The silence greets me this morning. After a shower and two cups of tea, I begin my day. Our backyard ends in a creek bank. Yesterday I was out pulling weeds and I slipped a little bit.
I am fine except for a stiff neck.

I kept checking online to see what was happening in the Trump trial. Ended up watching Grace and Frankie for a comedic lift. It is one of the best series I have watched. Part of the charms is how beautiful the sets are.

So here I am in a soft tee and slippers. Not knowing anything about anything.

A grocery trip needs to be made, but I will opt out.

David Newman, a beloved chant artist, died of a brain tumor yesterday. His music will continue in the hearts of the people he loved and those that he moved by his very presence. We both had books that came out at the same time. In this photo, we are sharing each other’s paperback!

Sorry I can’t write more today, so “less is more.”

David, you will always be a shining light for so many.

Love, Vicki

I am in a slump of sorts. We still don’t know the date of Rob’s surgery to remove a kidney stone. We cleaned out the garage over the weekend, so that is done. I have doctor appointments in late April and early May.

After I posted yesterday’s essay, depression hit me like a ton of bricks. It was useful to me, though, in that now I know how closely tied I am to those that read me on a regular basis.

Writing is my earthly assignment, so I shall stumble on from paragraph to paragraph. I shall march the words, croon them or delete them and start all over again.

I need my readers; that came as a shock to me. After all, I am not writing in a vacuum.

Ask me a question, maybe. Suggest a topic. Whatever will be written will be written.

Vicki Woodyard

 

Everything is changing in the world. No one will remain unaffected by these changes. The ultimate truth is that everyone is one/many at the same time. Once you see this, you do not become enlightened, but you do become humbler than you used to be.

This may well be my last year of posting essays. It is getting harder for me to type and it will get harder. I have a lot on my plate and I have to continue to have a meaningful life, no matter how hard it is.

Yesterday I asked Rob to clean out the garage. I started the job myself and realized I needed his help. He worked at it all day, God bless him, and now I feel like it is time to turn over a new leaf on every level.

Right now I plan on staying at home as long as it is feasible for both of us. The house is in a quiet neighborhood.. Now there is a whole new generation out pushing strollers and walking dogs.

I never thought I would write the volume of essays that I have written and they will all disappear once I close out the website. I will renew it for one year on May 1 and then I will more than likely close it down.

It began because my husband was dying of multiple myeloma. The original site accidentally got erased and this one is a poor substitute for it. But it is all I have. I also post the essays on Facebook. Ironically, you will be able to read old essays on Facebook while the blog will be gone.

I have loved writing essays and I will keep on keeping on as long as I am able.

My goal for this year is to slow down. I have always been a race horse regarding my essays. I have pounded out thousands and it was easy for me because it is all I can do; I have no other talent.

What keeps me interested is that when it comes to esoteric teachings, they are all, everyone of them, inside of us. We have to mine for them, of course, but they are pure gold.

I will stop now and get on to the rest of my day.

Love,
Vicki