I got a haircut today from Win, whose family fled here from Viet Nam when she was a child. Sitting next to me in the salon was a young redhead getting an elaborate updo for an event at her son’s school.

She also said that she has one-year-old twins. I heard her telling the stylist that she has no relatives in town and that it is exhausting to care for twins. She said she had lost all of her hair due to stress postpartum.

She asked me if I had children and I said I had a grown son and that his sister had died of cancer when she was seven. Turns out she is a physician’s assistant. She asked what our daughter died of and I said rhabdomyosarcoma (a solid tumor). She winced as I told her a few details about how people ignored my grief and that some parents lied to their children, saying that Laurie had just moved out of town during the summer.

At that point her stylist said that she had lost her brother in a car accident when she was eleven. Suddenly this turned into a therapy session of sorts for all three of us.

It had a “meant-to-be” feel about it, as the young woman was so kind. I find it easy to write about my losses, but hard to actually talk about it. It feels like a lie on some level, that anyone can actually die! I think this is a survival instinct common to all human beings.

My husband’s death from multiple myeloma happened right after he turned 63. Both died at the end of a seven-year cycle. Undoubtedly, she inherited the gene from his side of the family, as Bob’s father died of multiple myeloma, also at the age of 63.

I have yet to meet anyone that has lost both a child and a spouse to incurable cancers. Being on the path has been a huge help to me. I have abandoned the need for enlightenment, which seems to be an unprovable enterprise. I love Leonard Cohen’s wisdom so much that my last airline trip was to Amsterdam, where he gave the last performance on his European leg of the tour. At age 80 he retired from the road and was dead by the age of 82.

You can see his grave in Montreal online. He was deeply loved; he had charisma, grace, a calling and a knowledge of what is true and what is false. As violence in America heats up, I am reminded of him saying, “You won’t like what comes after America.” I have been pondering this for the last few years. Cohen also said that all of his prophecies had come true. Indeed, America is circling the drain and all we can do is examine our own falseness.

There is always hope, but never for the masses. It takes energy to wake up and we spend our days ignoring the inner manna that falls while we eat from the pig’s trough of society.

What was it Christ said? “Come out from among them.” We are not doing the Hokey Pokey here; we are desperate for a pure drink of water and that water is only found within. Salut!

Vicki Woodyard

I remember Easter of 1978 as if it were yesterday. Knowing that our six-year-old’s cancer would return and nothing further could be done about it, Bob and I took our two children to Los Angeles for one last vacation. I could only do it because I was 35 and had the necessary energy to do it.

At a TV show taping, the host picked out Laurie to do something on the show. I don’t remember what it was, but it made her very happy. At that point, no one could have guessed that she was dying. I think she got a pack of gum for her participation.

Bob and I went to see Hollywood Squares and my best friend’s sister took Rob and Laurie to the circus.

We visited the Self-Realization grounds to pray for Laurie and ask for heavenly assistance. We drove to San Juan Capistrano to pray further. And yes, the swallows had just returned.

We paid a brief visit to Disneyland but it did not hold a candle to Disney World in Florida.

Looking through photos, there is a snapshot of me in front of The Comedy Store. ( I was writing one-liners in those days.)

We came back home only to hear Laurie screaming with pain. At the children’s hospital they informed us that her cancer was now in her lungs. By mid-July she was dead.

Her death changed our family on the deepest of levels. It may be why Bob died of his own cancer at the age of 63.

My caregiving skills were put to the test for almost a decade. My outer life was meaningless to me, so I turned within to study truth.

No one is given an easy life, but most people do not have to bury a child. I have never been the same.

I write prodigiously about the truth and how it was all I had to cling to.

It still is.

Vicki Woodyard

It is hard to feel pessimistic when spring is flooding our vision with chartreuse greenery, yellow daffodils and colorful buds on flowering trees everywhere. Our spirits are ready to welcome the new season.

However, the old nature persists in its negativity; that is how it retains control over us.

I had a dream last night where I was forced to move out of my house because drug users had taken it over. Strangely, when I finally agreed to move, I begin to experience moments of hope.

In my life, hope has died many times over, but every day gives us another chance.

I return to the teachings of the Master: “Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.” There is beauty everywhere we look in spring, but the ego remains negative and fearful.

As I write these notes, I see that I am in the home stretch now. The teachings are sometimes bearing fruit and sometimes not. I still wrestle with the evil in this world; that’s for sure.

I look inside to find spring and I notice a faint bit of hope. “Be of good cheer,” said Jesus to his followers. And I poise myself to start the day off cheerfully. It won’t last long, though. Before I know it, a chain of negative thoughts will begin to penetrate my good mood. Thoughts about the yard and the house, about how I need to lower my A1C, etc.

The world we live in is in peril for many different reasons. If we are not careful, there will be another metaphoric (or literal) flood. Right now you can see rivers jumping their banks and tornadoes striking all over. For too long now we have been wildly irresponsible. It looks like payback time is coming.

What is a good spiritual student to do? Vernon Howard told us not to fight this world, that true spiritual work is within.

I poise myself on the brink of inner work, but first I must eat a chocolate croissant washed down with a cup of coffee. (I am no renunciate!)

I am asleep dreaming that I am awake; the net of sleep has fallen over everything and the kingdom is far from me.

All I can do is take note of how asleep I am.

This is enough and plenty.

Vicki Woodyard

Every day is an unfolding into who you really are. Watch as you consciously and slowly respond to this lost world. Oh, it has its beauty, but right now evil is gaining the upper hand.

We are told not to be reactive, but this is oh, so hard to do when criminals go unpunished and the wealthy grow richer by the day.

The world, our beautiful home, is being trashed on many different levels at once.

First off, we have a hand in the trashing, whether we know it or not. We are polluting our drinking water and being indifferent to evil because we fear it.

Great masters advise us to keep watch over our emotions, deeds and thoughts. But that is not enough. We must also keep watch over our hearts, for that is where the battle begins.

Gurdjieff showed his students how they walked through the world mechanically, reacting and blaming everyone but themselves.

Jesus did the same, as did the Buddha and other enlightened masters.

Although I have been studying for a very long time, I, too, sleep on.

There are times throughout the day when I murmur in my sleep but that is not enough. I must shake myself awake.

Once awake, I remember my true Self.

I glory in this brief remembrance before I fall asleep again.

Never say you are “woke.” Even the disciples could not stay awake.

Your part in this worldly mirage is to keep shaking yourself.

Everything else will fall into place.

What a miracle true teachings are.

They lead us back to our true home within.

Vicki Woodyard

I am in here typing at 5:30 a.m. I woke up around 2:45 with burning pain in my feet. I got up and took a pain pill given to me for breakthrough pain.

The neuropathy and tremors are both getting worse. So far I have quit driving or traveling due to the neuropathy. Once the pain pill kicked in, I had a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of tea. I will go back to bed and see if I can get 3 more hours of sleep.

I read the comments people make on the forum for people with neuropathy and I have been very lucky so far. Others have horror stories about the degree of pain which they are in.

I am blessed to have a strong foundation in the truth. It undergirds my pain and anxiety, which are based in the body and ultimately affects the psyche as well. I am a hot mess in the middle of the night.

By day, I feel almost normal. My handwriting is wobbly and it will get worse. I’ve already told Rob he will eventually have to do a lot of things I have always done.

As I said, I have plenty of time to write and writing is how I express myself. Occasionally, I pick up a copy of “Life with a Hole in It, or “Bigger The the Sky.” Peter’s words as he struggled with severe brain damage remind me of the only real solution to our human problems. He would just say “Ho ho!” And he reminded me that he held my hand in this life. He is gone now but the soul never dies. May he be resting in a green meadow with his beloved cats.

This life is transitory, as are we. We shoulder our burdens as best we can and return to Self-Realization off and on throughout the day.

I have more miles behind me than I do in front of me. It behooves me to treat the body with respect and the mind and emotions will follow. There is always a way to work with whatever situation you find yourself in. (And that situation is your karma!)

God bless us, everyone!

Vicki Woodyard

Waking up first happens on the physical level. I have a light breakfast and come into the dining room to write an essay.

It also happens on the emotional level. If I am honest about what is going on in my feelings, they are usually rather “blah.” Below that level, I can find feelings of edginess and dread. On the mental level, the mind is rather silent. It is Monday morning and the events of the day are just getting started. Soon the emotional body will begin to feel helpless to stave off negative thoughts. To sum it all up, the personal being that goes by your name is always in some kind of torment, be it big or small.

If it is our karma, we now turn to spiritual teachings to feed and nurture us through each day on Planet Earth.

The earth is not in good shape and neither are we. It is necessary to see how weak we are.

The sun comes up and now we are faced with filling the day in one way or another. I will have snacks and absorb a bit of the Work. It is an impersonal force that can aid in one’s awakening.

I study how useless I feel and along with that comes the desire to rise above it. But the mind is not an instrument for spiritual change. Then what is? The True Self is doing its work relentlessly, but we must tune into it. That is our only job.

Tuning into the spirit, we remember how nourishing it is to become silent on every level. To still the body, mind and emotions. They tend to be reactive and spoiled.

I sit at the feet of the Master and sink into silence.

I let it be.

I begin to follow my breath rather than my thoughts. The body relaxes a bit. And then another thought or feeling arises and I forget how much I need the teachings.

If we can allow ourselves to become a listener rather than a reactor, we are doing the Work of awakening.

The light will lead the way as long as we abandon the idea of having to do anything oneself.

Just sit back and enjoy the ride. When it gets bumpy, try letting it be. And so it is that letting it be becomes our truest guide to returning home. When we see that we ourselves are the home we seek, God smiles down on us and we radiate peace instead of passion.

Vicki Woodyard

Spring is on the way! Dust bunnies will soon be gone and Easter bunnies will arrive. Rob has been busy with a long pole getting rid of cobwebs.

I try and keep my essays cobweb free! Giggle.

What I mean by that is that the muse responsible for my essays has not given up yet. Although my fingers don’t work as well as they used to, I can still bang out an essay in no time flat.

I don’t let any grass grow under my words, either!

Okay, so I am being silly. I’ve taken off for a week or so. It helps to gather in a lot of silence as often as possible. I pride myself on being spare with my words.

Fingers pointing at the moon should be pointed back at oneself. You heard it here first, folks.

There is much going wrong with the planet right now and it is all due to human beings.

A true path will not hesitate to show you where you are off base. I know I spend most of my days not doing anything productive. And then I come in here to write an essay and the words flow.

My teacher was Vernon Howard. He zeroed in on everyone’s failings and I always liked that about him. I am not a flowery kind of person myself.

I have made a pan of green beans with garlic and butter. Rob is cooking some kind of chicken.

And this essay is ready to scoop up and post. Adios!

Vicki Woodyard

Each day the sun comes up and foolish men and women refuse to see that everything is happening in the only way it can happen. There is no free will on Planet Earth. That is the teaching of the Work of Gurdjieff. We are all robots thinking that we have free will.

I include myself in the above paragraph. You see, we are all asleep pretending that we know what we are doing. But there are many “I’s’ inside of us that are competing for the right to speak through our mouths.

All great teachers want us to wake up and begin to live authentically instead of fearfully and dishonestly.

Mobs are all zombie-like and it is the soul that knows this.

Democracy is of this world, as is fascism and the like.

There are good times and bad on Planet Earth and we are heading for a very bad time. Violence is building up in the name of freedom. How ironic is that and how soul-destroying.

But Vicki will live each day as if she knows what she is doing.

The sun has come up and so it will set.

Everything is cyclical and predestined. As Edgar Cayce said, we have no free will except how to react to what God has ordained.

We are all living the mystery and have yet to figure out how to change into living people instead of machines. May God have mercy on us all.

Vicki Woodyard

Rob got me a new phone, a Google, and I have to admit that I am lousy at technology. I still have a landline and refuse to give it up. I have so many questions about the best way to organize things on the new phone. It was hard enough for me to set the clocks up an hour this afternoon.

I woke up way too early this morning with a fast pulse. By the time I got up and ate, it was normal again. Don’t think it means anything, thankfully. On Tuesday I have an appointment with the new doctor that replaced my old one. I loved the old one and am prepared to shop around if I don’t like her (I prefer female internists and have been lucky enough to have a few I really liked.)

Yeah, the Oscars are on tonight and I haven’t seen a movie in ages. Rob has been going to a theater in the nabe, so he has seen quite a few of the nominees.

I am guessing that most people read my essays on their phones rather than on an actual Mac or PC. I have a large iMac that I love and it is here that I pound out my essays. I am wondering if reading them on a phone takes away their impact. Any thoughts on that would be appreciated.

Life on Planet Earth gets more and more distressing, doesn’t it? I am grateful that all I have to do is write and do daily chores. Hopefully we will have lunch out on Tuesday after my checkup.

My Scorpio intensity is always sensing what is going on with people and events. In most cases, I prefer being an observer rather than a participant.

Vicki Woodyard

The mind is a necessary evil, but it IS evil (mechanical). It runs on energy that depletes the fountainhead from which it springs.

The mind began when Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden. Of course, this is an allegory, but it is an allegory that holds up.

I watch my mind take unnecessary trips from morning until night. It is “The Chief Worrier and Bottle Washer.”

It gives itself important jobs like looking good, sounding good and doing good. It has no consciousness that it is a machine!

Vernon Howard: “How can a Cadillac love a Ford?”

Deep underground you will find the source of living water that does not come from the mind.

You see, the mind thrives on suffering, but it is not a conscious suffering but a mechanical one.

These days I suffer from the aging process and it is a taboo to talk about this. The mind always wants to gussy itself up and declare that the body is in good shape. This mortal body begins to die the minute it begins to live. Let that sentence sink in!

Evil is a very real thing and you ignore it at your own peril. We never see it because we think it IS us. “Get thee behind me, Satan.”

So what is a good spiritual student to do? Some of you have already answered this question, but I will put it into words. A good spiritual student surrenders to everything that comes its way; that is called living in accord with the Tao.

Surrender saves our miserable and cowardly necks.

Yea, verily, the ego sucketh.

Giving the ego space is like inviting the Devil himself to live his life through you.

Wake up and smell the conspiracy between your ego and the Evil One. It hates being seen through. Work like hell to see through hell.

Vicki Woodyard