“One idea on [The Future] is that the human predicament has no solution. We were tossed out of the garden; this isn’t paradise. And to look for perfect solutions is a very difficult burden to bear.” Leonard Cohen Found on Allan Showalter’s website devoted to all things Cohen

I tossed and turned last night. Lately I have become a hard core insomniac. Anyhoo, I sat and soaked in my two favorite statements:

“I vow to relieve the suffering of all sentient beings.” ~ Kwan Yin Vow

“Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.” ~ An old Christian vow

I experienced a bit of calmness, but nothing to brag about.

I sat some more and felt it a bit once again.

Insights came to me:

I no longer have any need to consult books or teachers, for it is within that we both seek and find.

Vernon Howard gave a talk once about a man meeting a teacher on the mountain. After a certain amount of time the teacher vanished, never to be seen again. No mountain, no teacher.

So it is a matter of faith and commitment to what you find inside of yourself.

Silence is the surest guide to this place.

No mountain, no teacher.

All is well.

Vicki Woodyard

I had a disturbing dream last night. My parents and I were cleaning my/our house. It was endless work, like in a fairy tale. And at the end, suddenly a ladder and some other things fell on her and I screamed out for my father to come and help me get the things off of her. That is when I woke up from the dream.

It being Mother’s Day, I thought of the Divine Mother and then the archetype of the Wounded Healer. I looked the latter up and found this:

“Carl Jung and his followers identified the archetype of the wounded healer. Henri Nouwen, pastoral psychotherapist, explained that “making one’s own wounds a source of healing … call[s] …for a constant willingness to see one’s own pain and suffering as rising from the depth of the human condition which all share.”

Now I know why I keep writing on the same theme, this thanks to a comment from P. K.

“Please do keep writing, Vicki, for as long as you can. I know only too well about the deep wounding you write about. For some of us it was loss caused by a literal illness and death, for others a loss of nurturing at a time or times in our lives when we were drowning in self-loathing and doubt. The pain and grief is something we all share, whether we are aware of it or not. Many are not. It’s possible their lives are simpler. I will never know.”

And my last essay was titled “Wounded” and even then I didn’t see that I was writing on the subject of the wounded soul.

To top it all off, Rob’s gift to me was a pink box of See’s Candies and a pink card. I “see”
The symbolism of the See’s and I smile. He gave me an unconscious gift with that play on words. I have always seen what I am writing about because the Seer is ever-present in us all.

Hallelujah and Happy Mother’s Day to the Divine Mother in us all.

Vicki Woodyard

I became a spiritual writer because of deep wounds I was suffering after the second member of our family was handed a fatal cancer diagnosis. I could barely get out of bed in the morning, but I did (and for a little over four years until his death.)

I started a now-defunct website in which I became a spiritual essayist. I had no idea that I would churn out thousands of essays while I was grieving and recovering.

Because I know my own wounds so well, I know the wounds of others. No one values my writing unless they have a wound in the psyche that they are tending. It may be big or small, but it is a sacred wounding that calls for the soul’s deepest attention. The first few paragraphs of an essay get me started and then I wade out as far as I can go.

Leonard Cohen is my all-time favorite writer because that is what his work is about, too. The only difference is his genius!

I heal my wounds by writing and by studying myself on every level. On the psychological level I have come to a certain amount of peace. I know that I am deeply introverted but enjoy the occasional outing with my son.

On the spiritual level, I know that I am being cared for. I have finished buying spiritual books, though I pick up an occasional favorite from the shelf. I have given most of my books away, though. The shelves are shockingly empty.

My website is not indexed so it does not get any new readers; I have suffered a great deal over the mistake I made in losing it. The one I have now is just where I park my essays and I get most of my readers from Facebook.

There are no easy answers for the deeply wounded soul. For me, and this is a personal thing, I find that I can’t stand any clutter in my home. I have it, but I try and keep it under control.

I sit off and all during the day, letting myself breathe consciously. I am soothed by silence, as many people are. I defer to Vernon Howard and Joel Goldsmith and the writings of a few Eastern philosophers. The Book of John in the New Testament is the powerhouse for me, though.

Most people that read my essays have come to know everything I am writing is about the same thing. That is how we learn. The greatest among us say the fewest words. They keep it simple and repetitive.

And so I write on and some of you read on and I thank you for that. Living water is our constant need because the world gives us only chaff.

Vicki Woodyard

Today I am miserable and I will be miserable tomorrow. That is the sorry truth about the human condition.

I look back over my life and its horrendous experiences, ones that went on for years. I took to the path but I have not changed in my desire to escape human misery.

Think about those in Ukraine and those in famine worldwide. No prayers can wield any power over God’s will.

There is a mystery here in that we must keep on calling out to God, even knowing that our will is of no consequence. “Thy will be done.” His will is always done.

Mother Earth is in dire peril because of human beings’ desire for money and power.

We do not dig deeply enough into our own sins while we are digging too deep into the soil of our precious land.

You are miserable and I am miserable and they are miserable. Pray anyway.

Maybe prayer is not answered on this earthly plane. Lord knows, my own haven’t been.

Pray anyway.

Cry and laugh anyway.

Forget trying to change your brother. You can’t even change yourself.

You can’t let go but maybe you don’t have to hold on or let go.

Perhaps we are stuck in the mire of our own delusions.

Perhaps the higher realms are real in spite of our all-to-human doubts.

Live as best you can and pray until something in you yields. And it will.

Vicki Woodyard

The ego lives in a house of cards. Make no mistake about that. There is not enough glue in the world to hold any of us together. But there is a deep desire to do so. Sometimes the whole house collapses and someone may get psychologically ill or worse.

We have been warned this is so, but the ego does not have ears to hear.

So evil is deafening the world.

What can be done?

Nothing.

When we see that clearly, perhaps there is a chance to repent, but there will be no sudden change.

Therefore, the world is in a state of daily collapse while the builders of the houses go crazy.

“Unless the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it.”

Vicki Woodyard

It has struck me very forcibly this morning that every idea about the path has to change. Ideas do not enlighten us; only self-reflection can accomplish any healing in our spirit.

Mankind is asleep; therefore mankind suffers. We are meant to rise above our ideas of good or bad humanhood and yet it is hard to sit silently and do nothing when the fires of hell rage around us.

I haven’t written a new essay in a week or so. The infected tooth will get a root canal next week, so I am saving my energy. That gives me lots of time to sit and reflect.

Everything points to truth if you are examining your thoughts and feelings. They always reflect the unrest within, the doubting thoughts, the fearful ones and the selfish ones.

That is the situation, as Vernon Howard used to say.

The problem lies within and so does the remedy.

No, it is not selfish to think only of ourselves. That is the true way back home. It is selfish to think of how others think of us, though.

Ego cannot accomplish awakening and we walk in darkness while we think this is true.

The world today is crumbling underneath us, while above the light of truth still shines.

The world today is based on lies and yet the truth is alive and well, but only to the individual.

Be still and know that the “I am” is God.

Vicki Woodyard

I didn’t sleep much last night. Sundays are long and I guess I am too well-rested to sleep!

There is soft rain falling on the tender green leaves everywhere.

My life gets increasingly empty and sometimes I feel restless, but not much.

At this time in my life, there are small fires to put out, the latest being the need for a root canal and then a new crown. I am grateful for prayers sent out and tips for taking care of an absessed tooth. Rob says that the 2 or 3 days I took for the antibiotics helped some.

We are eating healthy these days. I rarely cook. We shop together but Rob cooks. He even plates the food for me.

Nothingness is nothing to write home about; it feels more like the Self saying “I told you so.”

I remain hungry for the peace that I am and sometimes I binge on it.

Time is an abstract idea thrust upon us by necessity.

We take our vitamins of Now and throw out the stale past as we would a plate of leftover pasta. See what I did there 😉

Humor and sorrow are all mixed up in my psyche. They seemingly define me as a writer.

I spent years and years and years and cried tears and tears and tears.

Now I look at myself in the mirror and see an old woman looking back at me.

Is it wrong to be a loner in this increasingly hostile world? Not if you are traveling alone into the All One.

I fret over the smallest thing and forget the biggest thing.

Who cares?

Vicki Woodyard

“Darkness, meet the Light.” This is an introduction that the darkness in us never recognizes. Because if it did, it would gladly embrace it. That is sadly not the case. For we think the light has something to take from us that we would gladly give if we could.

The darkness is our wrong idea that we will be hurt if we go about this world unprotected by our defense mechanisms. And they were set up so early that we have no idea how to dismantle them. So they continue to wreck us for the rest of our lives unless we are bent on experiencing our own resurrection. And we can’t make that happen either.

So what we have is an ego journey in which we are not packed with the right provisions. We are told to love our enemies but we can’t. We can only hate them and pretend to love them. So the ego becomes a very good actor or actress. Only our pets keep us sane. They give us the unconditional love we all want so desperately. Of course, we can’t give it, either. So the crazy dance goes on. Always changing partners, always partners stepping on our toes.

If we have the grace to meet a true teacher, this can all change. For a true teacher pins us skillfully to the mat time and time again. They rub our noses in our mistakes. They hit us with a rolled up newspaper. You get the idea. But we are so slow to learn. And what is it that we fight so desperately about learning where our true power lies?

For me, sorrow led me to the teacher. He told me I was not in right relationship with myself. This was told to me in a dream. It was symbolic and I had no idea how to interpret it. I was in an elevator and a guide took us to the ground floor and then told us to look up. Then she said, “These two planets are not in right relationship to each other.” And I woke up.

Now at an advanced age, ha ha, I am beginning to put the pieces of the puzzle together. My defense mechanisms can be seen through and not reactivated. Because the pearl of great price has been skillfully hidden in my heart. Yes. And when I remember this, I am saved again and again. I am protected from the world’s persistent attacks on me. They will continue to come, but I can remember that they are not real. And yes, darkness loves to attack the light. All the light has to do is shine.

Vicki Woodyard

Yesterday started with Rob driving me to see the dentist. He is in temporary quarters until his new office is ready. I have an infected molar and after taking an X-ray he prescribed an anti-biotic and said that in three weeks I will get a root canal. Oh, joy!

But Rob and I stopped in at First Watch and had pancakes and coffee. Oh, yum!

The rest of the day I didn’t do diddley-squat, as we used to say down south. Just watched TV.

Rob went to the grocery to get some Advil and acetaminophen for me and some soup from the store deli.

I slept restlessly but I woke up to a beautiful May morning.

Life goes on relentlessly and we are usually asleep to it. We prefer to think about it and thinking is a mechanical act. It is on a lower level than being.

New leaves on the tulip poplars in the backyard are chartreuse and the Ming Aralia in my bedrom is growing as well.

Vicki Woodyard

I finally get it, and not a moment too soon or too late. I am already whole and already surrendered. That means there is nothing more important for me to do than be. Being is my natural state, my default position when I am under no pressure to conform or perform.
I have turned in my card as an aspirant and become who I naturally am. Vernon Howard said we would all reach this point. “No mountain, no teacher, no student.” Just pure being with no labels. No place to go and nothing to do.

Heaven is whole. Heaven is here and now. Heaven is open 24/7, no deposit required. No commentaries need be written on who I am. No new teacher need try to cram one more fact down my throat. That ship has sailed. I am not in it to win it but to be it.

There is a certain amount of dark humor connected with this, for I have become who I really am. A rather feisty woman with unremitting insecurity on the personal level. But since I am not a person, I can laugh my ass off.

Who gives a darn if I am antisocial or aloof or any other labels you would like to paste on my forehead. No one cares if I am Mother Teresa saving the world either. So I am free to sit here alone pecking out words as if they mattered and they don’t. Only freedom matters and I have been chained too long.

I am deeply happy for no reason. And it’s about damned time.

Vicki Woodyard