The restless search for something to fill the hole is never ending and often worse on Sundays. No philosophy has yet figured out a way to heal the inner incompletion that only your conscious presence can heal.

Sure, you may not feel like the answer to all of your own questions, and on the mental level you can never be. But in owning your consciousness, something shifts.

Oprah can’t give it to you. Osho can’t give it to you. But you know your own presence is the missing piece of the puzzle.

Vicki Woodyard

I’m gonna cut back on my essay-writing this week. Trying to get over my tooth extraction and infection, which has left me surprisingly weak.
I am increasingly conscious of the aging process, which is not talked about in polite society, except in humor, and I do love that. I just don’t have the stamina I had before getting neuropathy and its attendant complications.

The word “no” is an increasingly important word for me.I am the only one that knows my energy level at any given time, except for Rob.

At some point I will quit writing, but not for a long time. I have much more to say and share the “beyond words” kind of energy that we on the path learn to utilize.

Saying no to the world is a yes to my essence. We should not be afraid to say no and yet we are. That is because society has falsely conditioned us to be “nice.”

What a stupid word to those on the Way. It is a great effort just to be kinder to oneself! (And that I intend to do.)

Love to all,

Vicki

I find myself working through emotional issues. This is my lifelong pattern—to feel ashamed and want to hide. You see, we are all children inside. Parts of us have never grown up or have been damaged beyond repair. That is not being negative; that is telling the truth.

So the first step is for me to admit that I am feeling ashamed. This is called waking up. It is not enlightenment, which is an empty word for me. No, it is my lower self admitting that I need help from my higher self.

I already feel better for doing the work of Self-Remembering, as taught by Gurdjieff and carried on by Vernon Howard.

I remember that I have a True Self and a False Self. The True Self is the answer to all of our problems. Because I have to rise above duality, it is a difficult but necessary step to take.

So now I am above my ego looking down on it. You can call her Vicki; I do. Why is she so ashamed? What happened to her before she knew about how life can drag you down? She is still her, that little Vicki child, and she needs my help.

This is a process alone to the Alone and it must be repeated as often as necessary. It is the mustard seed of awakening to the Absolute within.

I do not have to cave in to remorse and regret. Higher consciousness removes them as soon as I remember the Self that I am.

Vicki is a writer but she is also a very human being. No one has it made. No one wins a prize.

Emptiness is the answer. Rest in the Void. The Void takes care of its own.

Selah.

Vicki Woodyard

I’ve Come From Elsewhere

So on this long holiday weekend, I am nursing a pulled tooth socket and worrying about what kind of disease is besetting my beautiful old Japanese Maple.

My thoughts turn towards Rumi and Jesus, who both said they came from elsewhere.

Where is elsewhere but outside the human mind?

For Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden because they ate the forbidden fruit.

Being a direct descendant of those two rascals (as we all are), I can’t help but wish they had minded the Father!

Rumi says “I didn’t come here of my own accord, and I can’t leave that way. Whoever brought me here will have to take me home.”

Jesus just put it a bit differently. “My kingdom is not of this world.”

It is clear to me that I don’t belong here. There is simply too much pain and downright evil on this planet.

With that in mind I determined to find a truer voice than that of the ego.

There are only hints about where the human soul came from and whence it shall return.

Meanwhile we are enshrouded in paradox and robed in hope.

We recognize fellow pilgrims, don’t we? We know the secret sign. Oh, what’s that? You don’t know?

There are millions of secret signs given every day. Things like pain and suffering and ignorance of who we are and why we are forced to misbehave. Yes, we have no choice but to misbehave, at least until we find out why we came here to this low planet.

Rumi speaks again: “If you can’t pray a real prayer, pray hypocritically, full of doubt and dry-mouthed.”

And so I do, and so do you.

Rumi: “Don’t move. A sublime generosity is coming toward you.” And old love said, “Stay with me.” I said, “I will.”

Vicki Woodyard

There is a reason why nothing changes on Planet Earth. It is because mankind is asleep. And only the few have even a remote chance of waking up.

I found a true teacher that taught awakening, but even then his students all slept on. Consider the words of Christ to his disciples, “Can you not stay awake with me one hour?”

I am fascinated with the idea and possibility of waking up, but sleep is a very powerful influence on mankind. It knows nothing about awakening and in fact, has no interest in it.

Christ spoke to the few and the disciples, as I have just written, could not stay awake while he was being crucified.

So, as Vernon would have said, “This is the situation.” And the solution: To find a teacher that knows how to awaken a few people here and there.

Man thinks himself to be so clever. Look at Donald Trump, a very deep sleeper with no desire to wake up. He feels no guilt about lying to people, none at all. If you were to tell him that he was asleep, he would laugh. He thinks he is a “stable genius.” To which I say, “Neigh, neigh.” (I have to insert a bit of humor.)

If you are confused about what is the difference between being awake or being asleep, it has nothing to do with bed!

Vernon wrote: “The only difference between sleeping people is how they snore!”

Or “All of you are Sleeping Beauties and I have some doubt about the beauty.”

I try to wake up, but the pull of sleep has been bred into the human animal. I make notes, I read books–well, not so much anymore, but it is exceedingly hard to maintain any degree of awareness.

Awakening can only occur when people want something worthwhile to live for and begin to search out wisdom teachings. You can find them and then you have to study and apply them. I do feel that Jesus is teaching awakening rather than becoming good people. But what do I know?

Most of us know that we live in the hell realms (Ukraine’s situation is pure hell.) But we can begin to make small changes in our lives.

And a small change is better than none.

Vicki Woodyard

I didn’t sleep a wink last night. Got up early and was not sleepy at all. In the kitchen (or the “kitchroom,” as I called it as a toddler, I reached over to turn on the faucet and it was coming loose from its moorings. Unperturbed, I called Mr. Plumber and asked for Rick Bills. He always does a great job and luckily, he came early this afternoon. I also showed him my bathroom sink and asked him if he could clean the drain, as it has been clogging up.

He took out the old faucet and replaced it with a new Moen one. He had to take out everything from under the sink and then put it all back in once he finished the job. Then he fixed my sink in the bathroom. Speaking of the kitchroom reminds me that I once told my mother when I was small, that my stomach had a headache. So much for me as a precocious toddler.

He left and a couple of hours later, the man from the AC and heating company came to get the AC ready for the hot weather. I pieced together some fake bacon, an egg and toast. Rob left for Trivia and now I am considering how hard I am on myself. And you are equally hard on yourself. It is simply the way that egos work.

I still don’t know whether I will get a root canal or have the tooth pulled. I should know by now, but I don’t. And so the Judge of Me points an accusing finger at me, as if one side of me asks the other side of me to make a rational decision!

I often eat a cookie or a piece of chocolate when this kind of stress starts up. How come I am always on the losing team of Me, Myself and I? I mean, come on….give me a break. Because I can’t give myself one.

Spirituality is a difficult subject for the ego, isn’t it? Splintered, fractured and dismembered, it has no idea how to become one with a capital “O.” Maybe Oprah did it, but moi?

Beneath the surface lies the beating heart of the problem, self-hatred. The ego, wanting to be its own god, somehow always comes in last while hoping to be first. Jesus had a parable about that, didn’t he?

We don’t understand anything as simple as surrender; we prefer complicated plot twists and contortions where we pat ourselves on the back while kicking ourselves in the rear. The ego has no control over any of its parts. They lie disassembled on the factory floor waiting for something to shift. And it never does.

I spent a lot of money today, between the plumber and the AC man. I found myself signing my name on iPads which they handed me while I became poorer and poorer. And I realized how tired I am of pretending. I just get stressed out being around people. I much prefer solitude at this time in my life. Maybe it’s the beginning of my second childhood. Now I’m off to the kitchroom before I go to bed.

Vicki Woodyard

Dear God, I think of you often but I also forget you often. My little pea-brained self gets pre-occupied with earthly issues. You understand and forgive.

Those of us down here on this planet are busier than one-armed paper hangers. What with all of the political noise, we can hardly cope with our daily duties.

I have studied your word night and day. I did not sleep a wink last night. There are ominous gray clouds and the occasional boom of thunder.

I look at my desk/dining table. It is as littered as Main Street after a parade. My memory is not as good as it used to be and this gives travail to my son.

As for exercise, I do it sporadically. And my diet sucketh.

I have a good son that whips up healthy meals with tofu and fresh vegetables and rice. But I keep sneaking in too much chocolate and empty calories.

I do not know how to pray for myself and the world is even harder for me to try and change.

So I guess, dear Lord, that psalms are good medicine.

Leonard Cohen remains a blessing to me, even though he has been gone for several years. He studied your word and wove it into beautiful songs that I treasure.

We human beings need the sustenance of beauty in whatever form we can find it.

I shall close this out now, but please forgive my frequent lapses of faith. Things are going the way they are destined to go and in no other way. And the Word pours out forgiveness and healing.

Your faithful servant,
VW

I have fallen into a funk, folks. It started with my abscessed tooth that my regular dentist checked. He sent me to an endodontist to do a root canal. She doesn’t use laughing gas, so I chickened out. Next I saw my oral surgeon who recommended I get a root canal and he knew just the guy. So tomorrow I have to decide whether to get it pulled or get a root canal by his recommended endodontist, who can’t see me until the 29th.

I am feeling guilty for Rob having to drive me to all these different people. He wanted me to let the first endo I saw do it. And now I am looking at paying 3 different people for evaluations!

One of my prescriptions I get from my neurologist is all bollixed up and I need to make calls about that tomorrow.

Cue depression, anxiety and you-name-it.

I am getting older and a very important issue is nagging me. When I go, Rob will not have a single relative in town. He and my younger sister are close, but she lives up north.

I had two toilets die downstairs and 2 guys came out to fix them. I forgot to tell them that my bathroom sink is draining way too slow. And the toilets can be flushed now, but they seem to be running a long time after flushing.

Sigh. I am the one explaining the path to you and how hard it is to make even a tiny bit of progress. Well, guess what? I am here to say it again and again and again.

I have made it through the loss of a child and a mate, but now it is me giving myself trouble.

Let’s analyze the backed up toilets. Obvious, right?

I can’t even have a good cry because my neuropathy pills keep me on an even keel. But I feel like crying. Everybody deserves a good cry.

Got onions?

Vicki Woodyard

Last night there was a heavy downpour while dozens of high school graduates drove past our house on the way to some sort of unofficial “celebration.”
I was grateful one of their vehicles didn’t accidentally get onto my freshly mowed lawn. It was too stormy to see if any police arrived. At some point they all begin to exit, clogging the street with at least 20 cars. Someone could have gotten hurt.

Going in the opposite direction (as a writer), I happened on some great quotes from Thaddeus Golas. Here is the first one I read: “Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it. Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it.”

So to change up a song just a bit, “Gotta lot of lovin’ to do.”

This Sunday morning is clear and beautiful. I picked up my almost new phone and saw that it was alarmingly low. I thought I had plugged it in correctly last night. Gotta love myself for that, too!

Vicki Woodyard

I woke up this morning to see that my neurologist had replied to my message on the Message Board by 6:30 this morning. It was a request for an RX to be transferred to another pharmacy. He said one word: Done! Now that, my friends is a good doctor. He is impeccable on every level. When I see him, it takes all of fifteen minutes because he notices everything and he is a professional listener. He deals primarily with MS patients, but has now branched out to see other things like PD that require frequent care.

So the next thing I did this morning was visit Elsa Bailey’s FB Page, which is filled with hilarious cartoons. I do love humor and I love her for doing that.

I am grateful that I will be getting a root canal on Thursday. Today I meet the endontist and get an X-ray of the tooth.

I am grateful that I have a man who takes care of the yard for me.

I am grateful that Rob is now doing more and more of the heavy lifting in my life. He is a good cook. He also keeps the kitchen clean and orderly.

I am grateful for the daily choice I can make to do soul work. I know that I am allowed and encouraged by my very own self to take the best care of me that I can. This is not selfish; this is a duty of the growing soul.

My life is filled with silence, which I love, but at night I do enjoy TV. I don’t miss most things that I used to do. The occasional trip out is to the grocery or to have a simple meal.

Silence feeds the soul and the soul rejoices at its release from meaningless obligations.

I am grateful to you, who are reading this. We are all in this together, right?

Love,
Vicki