I found myself taking a copy of my book, “Life With A Hole In It” down from the shelf just now. I have 2 copies and one of them is from a late friend of mine, Patrice Dickey. She died of cancer quite a few years ago and she was only in her fifties. My life has been so strange. She lived in Decatur, Georgia, and said I should move there. And then she died.

Her sister had an estate sale held in Patrice’s house in Decatur. She had made a beautiful backyard garden while in treatment for breast cancer. She didn’t tell me she had cancer until it recurred. At the end, she went into a nursing home and died soon after. I had a dream about her that was so real I could have believed I had really seen her on the other side.

But back to the book. I found it on a bookcase where her books were for sale. I bought a few things to treasure and we all took home a box of her book to share with friends who might want a copy. She was full of life and at her old-time funeral held in a small church, people rejoiced at having known her. I feel sad just typing this.

Patrice had highlighted passages from LWAHII that she liked. Now I open the book up and read some things she had highlighted.

“Although I was born to the spiritual path, I was now spending time in the dirt, the deep brown stuff from which we all spring. I was learning to walk the walk. And I wore gardening gloves and a brimmed hat so no one would see the tears in my eyes. I was a persistent gardener. Nothing else would do.” And she had highlighted that last sentence.

I signed her book, To Patrice, a fellow gardener. And many of us miss her. She had written a book before I did. It was called “Back to the Garden.”

For whatever reason I picked it up to read today, I am inspired to share the quotes from the book that Patrice had highlighted. They remain fresh (Let me know if they don’t.)

Another quote from the book: “Nevertheless I travel on through snow and sleet and splat. I offer you this collection of words as leftovers from my banquet of life. Nuke them until your heart is warm and the throw the container in the trash. Waste nothing, use everything. If snow is pelting your roof, just know that somewhere, people are shoveling rain, not expecting it to come in that form.”

Tomorrow I will share more quotes from my book that Patrice had highlighted.

Love,
Vicki

“Amor Fati” translates to loving one’s fate. Nietzsche coined this phrase and it has a deep resonance with me as I grow older. When I was younger, this would not have resonated with me, but as I age, this phrase speaks directly and positively to me.

My life is simplified and I like it! Gone are the “have to’s” and the “shoulda woulda couldas.”

In their place is a daily realization that my limits are for my own good. It is healthy for everyone to have limits; otherwise vampires drain us. They don’t mean to; it is just that they are sound asleep and still living by society’s rules.

This afternoon we will go to the grocery, unless it is pouring down raining. I enjoy and look forward to this, since I have quit driving.

I enjoy sitting in the silence on and off throughout the day. I also enjoy TV.

I don’t read as much as I used to, for some reason. The Book of Life is always vital, however.

It was Dr. Bernie Siegel that advised me to honor my limits and so I do. It means living a simple life and a strong inclination to say no to anything that would cause me pain or stress. Some things, of course, are unavoidable, but others can simply be dropped.

Vernon Howard taught his students hard work and simplicity. I fail the grade on hard work these days, but in doing so, I am honoring my limits!

The teachings of the masters guide me and they all point to becoming a conscious human being. Not a church-goer but one that teaches himself by following his inclination towards the One.

Amor fati. Say it with me!

Vicki Woodyard

I have been cleaning out the drawers in my bedroom. Things are of no importance to me in this decade of my life. It is a holiday weekend and I have ample time to do this slowly and yet I find myself rushing through it as I have rushed through my life. I have always had a sense of urgency and now it becomes a self-teaching. What’s the hurry, Vicki?

I now know how deeply the neuropathy and tremors have affected me. As the tremors will get worse in time, I need to leave a clear record of when bills are due, etc. I have always been the “secretary” of the family. Bob worked full-time until when he retired. Then he had a few good years before the multiple myeloma started its slow journey through his bloodstream.

Okay, it is time for me to minimize and not maximize things. I quickly get tired of rummaging through drawers and sit down on the floor and look at some photos. They should all be in one place—I make a mental note of that.

There is jewelry of little value and I wear less and less of it. I have never worn earrings and now I have stopped wearing things that have difficult clasps.

And what about the concepts that have become useless? Thank God I don’t have a full record of them. I have been a perfectionist, a minimalist and a neat freak. These qualities belong to Vicki, not to my soul.

I remember a book title called, “In My Soul I Am Free.” Amen.

No, I am not sick, just coping with physical issues. I have been told I will live to a ripe old age. It just makes sense to minimize everything.

I minimize the teachings as well. I have no interest or patience with non-duality teachings any longer. They wrongly imply that you can become enlightened. Hogwash!

The planet is becoming polluted and ultimately unlivable. It is past time to clean it up, but it’s too little too late.

Politicians are becoming more and more corrupt. It has ever been thus.

Read this and pay more attention to your inner life, for the outer is a picture of it. Consider the lilies of the field and don’t sweat the small stuff. And if you still do, KNOW that you do. And then forgive yourself. Again and again and again.

Vicki Woodyard

I have been lying in bed for hours, but sleep escapes me. It’s a common problem for women my age. While lying there restlessly, a huge download of info was presented to me. I have no idea how to say this but I shall try.

I was led to Vernon Howard, who spoke to his students in scathing talks that blistered our egos. He was doing this on purpose, for he did everything on purpose. I know that he drew me to him because it was my destiny; it’s that simple.

He was impossible to love. He was not handsome or even magnetic. He had wild hair and wore open neck shirts and slacks with run-over tennis shoes (the slip-on kind.)

Although he was unlovable, he was powerful and I was ready for his talks. As I lay in bed from ten to one:thirty tonight, it hit me that every insulting thing he said to us was true. I know that because I have been studying myself for most of my adult life and let me tell you, the scoldings are necessary. Church is just for sissies not ready to go deeper into their psyches.

What was true about me those long years ago is true today. I am still mechanically driven by the very presence of other people. (In polite society this cannot be acknowledged.) We are all judging each other in a thousand ways and nothing ever changes on the social level. The price of admission to society is your willingness to lie.

I stay home and have for years on end. No one has missed me—that I can tell you.

At home I can be aware of how deep the social pretenses go.

Now the Earth is quickly disintegrating, thanks to mankind. We have been warned and apparently we do not care.

Jesus gave us his two cents worth and was crucified for it. But the joke is on us. His two cents have increased in value in the heart of a man or woman here and there.

Trust me when I tell you this: I have no idea how to be free. The only thing I know how to do is play the role of a writer. Other than that, I am a social pariah. I can pass for normal, but trust me, I am not.

I may stay up all night because I am still not sleepy.

Vicki Woodyard

It is a quiet Thursday morning and it will grow hotter and hotter as the day goes on. The air quality is bad here and in many other places.

There are so many serious issues facing the world and here I am, sitting inside an air-conditioned house with food on the table. Some are not so lucky.

The beautiful blue marble that we live on is polluted now, perhaps beyond repair. This is not an exaggeration.

The words of Jesus ring strong and true. “My kingdom is not of this world.” I am not evangelizing; I am merely quoting a master teacher.

Here is what I do with my life. My son has now taken on a great deal of the chores. I spend some time in silence each day, usually the morning offers me the best chance to work on myself. And working on myself is all I am called to do. I am not called to work on other people! Oh, it’s tempting. We are all being tempted all day long.

My major challenges have been the loss of my young daughter and my husband. But time has softened the blows and my son and I have somehow managed to heal our relationship. It used to be a stormy one, but now he is at the helm and is doing a good job.

Storms occur inside of us before they happen on the outside. I know this because I watch what I am thinking. The False Self, as Vernon Howard called it, has no interest in waking up. It wants us to stay asleep and fighting sleep is a calling for some of us.

What is sleep? It is walking around spilling your mechanical behavior on others as you go. The False Self is against you and not for you.

Out of hundreds of thoughts that I have today, may a handful of them be powerful enough to return me home to myself. My true nature is capable of confession and repentance. Without those two, you can never return to the One.

Vicki Woodyard

If you are in the valley, make it a fruitful one.
Let the valley teach you even as it lays you low.
Let it sing its dirges and moan its depressions.
Make it a restful time.

I have been brought low in this valley of life.
And I have learned to be a psalmist of the everyday.
Singing at the keyboard as the waters roll over me.

Green sprouts arise in this valley.
Not that I consciously planted them.
They just seem to arise along with the utterances,
“Lord, show me They tender mercies because
I have none of my own to bestow.”

If you are in the valley, become the valley.
Teach yourself how to let the voice of the valley
become yours.

Make music in the valley.
Make the mountains ring.

Vicki Woodyard
Photo of old magnolia by the creek….

When God created the world, He created it in opposites. But we are not supposed to be at opposition inside ourselves or opposition hurled at so-called others.

The older I get, the surer I am that I have always had freedom of choice, but I have sacrificed it to other people and not to myself. After all, we are all the One and it is wisdom to put ourselves first consciously.

If you are starving, you cannot afford to keep feeding others. This is against the Law of God. Right order is to feed yourself first and then you are free to feed others.

For some unknown reason, I write for myself first and only secondarily to others. This is right order for me.

The planet is in dire peril from human selfishness, the wrong “Me-Firsters.”

God wants His children to be wise before they are profligate.

Wisdom is the order of the day with conscious man and with wisdom comes automatic generosity. Not necessarily in money, but in gladly shared wisdom.

Our planet is being poisoned by its own children and the elders know this. I keep repeating my prophetic dream that I had decades ago. “There will be years of rain followed by an ice age.” This tells me that unrepentant man will bring this on themselves.

God is calling us to come inside to find spiritual treasure. “In my Father’s house, there are many mansions. I go to prepare a place for you.” This is not a literal house; nothing should be taken literally when you are reading the words of the Master. Instead, fall silent and let it speak to you in your body.

Find peace inside, for you will find God there.

Vicki Woodyard

Who Am I Hiding From?

I have been going over what the inner way offers me and I get an ever-changing view of my life.

My life is about finding myself and not about finding anyone else. Since that is clear, where am I hiding?

Better still, who am I hiding from?

I am hiding from people that have never known me and never will.

Few people have ever even wanted to know me, nor me them.

I am a bona fide introvert and have never been otherwise.

This means I prefer a life of quietude and solitude.

Social occasions offer me nothing but frustration and fatigue.

Nevertheless, sometimes I must bow the knee and go.

Afterwards, I am drained and have to recuperate in solitude.

Online I have a lot of friends; I have no trouble liking people that I don’t have to put on a facade for.

Life, for introverts, is about finding out, once and for all, that no one can change their essential nature.

Once this is fully seen, playtime begins.

Vicki Woodyard

Not knowing is a great opportunity to stop and simply break into your current state of thought. Thoughts are artificial signposts that lead away from the straight way and the narrow gate to which Jesus pointed his followers.

Thoughts are random firings of the mind. “This new flavor of Cheerios is too ‘almondy’. I spent way too much money on these flavorless tomatoes.”

I sit each morning waiting for these kinds of thoughts to die out. They are temporary grumblings that the mind loves to generate to muddy the waters of silence.

Silence is a knowing substance which our being cries out for. It is society’s downfall and therefore called “awkward gaps” in conversations.

We are called to silence by the words of Jesus.

We enter into the straight gate of silence and there is a chance for renewal to happen. Renewal never happens in idle chatter or pompous orations. Jesus might have said, “Keep it simple, stupid.”

So this Friday morning finds me stringing out a few words and then throwing them into the silence.

Silence, the great sea of the soul, changes the words into nothingness.

Out of the deeps a peace arises, enough to feed the five thousand.

Peace, be still.

Love is found deep within the suffering soul as it waits on God and God erases clumsy words and replaces them with silence, the substance of transmutation. We are fed, truly fed, from within.

Vicki Woodyard

This is my third day of a weekly Facebook fast. It is doing me some good. This morning I woke up with a new way to write about our spiritual dilemma. We are having an everlasting conversation between two thought selves! It isn’t me, myself and I so much as I am talking to myself and at the same time listening to myself. And God is left out of this scenario, this spiritual schizophrenia.

I want to wake up, I really do, yet as long as I am sound asleep in this “dual personality thang,” it ain’t gonna happen. This morning I woke up having an imaginary conversation with my neurologist. I have never talked about my life situation to him. So the two me’s started a conversation in which one me was talking to an imaginary doctor and the other me was listening. Reality was nowhere in sight!

This is how we live our lives and manage to avoid reality, which is our true oneness. Our true nature is self-unified and we are split in half in order to cope with this difficult world.

In the conversation, one me told the doctor my sad story and the other me listened, not as the doctor but as the other half of my self. (This goes on with everyone all the time; we just don’t see it.)

I told him how difficult my life has been. He didn’t listen because he wasn’t there! This is what we have to see. We are self-divided mechanical human beings. The Way (the Tao) and what Jesus taught are our ticket out of this mental and emotional suffering. We pay with our insights into how asleep we are and how vulnerable we are to our own thoughts about it.

We have to keep seeing how asleep and self-divided we are. It is almost impossible to stay awake more than a few minutes of the time. But now we are on the true Way.

The pearl of great price is our undivided Self. The oyster of the ego has been growing it mechanically so nothing true ever happens. Let us begin again over and over to witness Me talking to Me. Once we realize that we are going down that path again, we are miraculously moved into a state of grace. Self-unity is the pearl! Gratitude arises and the heaven within us rejoices for we have come home.