I turn myself inside out to write. It seems to work better than outside in for some reason. Then again, I’m quirky as heck when it comes to my writing. As long as it’s a bit shocking, I’m in. And I don’t mean sexual; I mean raw, real and unbearable to some part of myself that keeps learning how innocent and ill-equipped she is for life no matter how often shockingly it happens to her.

At some point in the journey, what you know and whom you know and how you know become not as important as just being present.

I’ve been on the path most of my life now. It doesn’t get easier; it just gets subtler and subtler. It doesn’t take all you’ve got to get through the day when it finally gets through to you. You have all the time in the world and you are also decidedly mortal. Evidence of that is all around us. I look at my face in the mirror now and think, “Oh, my.”

If you want to grow, stay in the pocket of silence as much as possible throughout the day. Go there like a little mouse and be silent and invisible.

If the kingdom of heaven is the space between two thoughts, we pretty much know where hell originates.

Vicki Woodyard

Dear Readers,

I hope more of you will step up to the plate and get a copy of my newest ebook, “Lotus in the Mud.” Donations help support the blog AND “Lotus in the Mud” is a very good read!

It takes many hours to put an ebook together with the reader in mind. I sit at the Mac organizing and reorganizing the material. I want the book to be enjoyable for you, the reader.

It feels like it will be my final ebook and so I wanted to make it really strike a chord with my readers.

Today is Sunday and I hope “the usual suspects” will want a copy, as well as some new readers.

My writing arises from a place of devastation. Out of that has arisen my voice, my healing and my present peace. The richness of the dark and crumbled soil has grown a life of its own. It is that I share with you in this collection of essays. Read them slowly as meditations; my prayer is that what I have written will bear fruit in your inner understanding.

DONATE TO THE BLOG AND RECEIVE YOUR COPY OF LOTUS IN THE MUD!
Vicki Woodyard

Update

My PayPal link appears to be working now.

“Lotus in the Mud,” my newest ebook….

My seventh book, an ebook, is now available for a donation of any amount to my website. It is the clear culmination of my lifelong study of truth.

The title of the book is “Lotus in the Mud.” It is a collection of some of my published essays and a few new ones. It centers on the fact that nothing works but grace of the Self. It is an individual journey that takes as long as it takes, for time is an illusion.

My writing arises from a place of devastation. Out of that has arisen my voice, my healing and my present peace. The richness of the dark and crumbled soil has grown a life of its own. It is that I share with you in this collection of essays. Read them slowly as meditations; my prayer is that what I have written will bear fruit in your inner understanding.~ Vicki Woodyard

A Trio of Comments From Readers

“Your writings are very special and much needed in these strange, uncertain times. Slyly comedic, serious, boldly blunt and raw…these are some of the traits you display as a writer and a teacher. Your words, ideas and thoughts are your gift to the world. Your humor is that extra added treat like dessert…always leaves me with a smile.” ~ From a Reader

“Vicki…it is a grace and a delight and fun to know you. Thanks for the depth of seeing and love that you bring into my life. I admire your steadfast attention upon what ultimately liberates, I am grateful for your human-hearted willingness to speak up about this world with its tangle of tears, I get the wink of your bright eye that says this life needs fun. So I offer this on your birthday….
~J.F

Hi Vicki, just found your site a few weeks ago and was stunned at your ability to relay your life experiences on the Path. Your writing is a fresh mirror into our daily life as travelers in awakened states and when we fall asleep. Thank you so much for your work and please keep writing. I am sure that those of us who are friends in spirit with you, a great way to put it, are seeing it the same. I have experienced the nihilism of detachment too, but the love energy flows through this darkness, thank God for that.

Peace Profound
Donald in the Southern California high desert

So there it is, whether anyone is interested in reading it or not is beyond my control. (It’s all beyond my control.)

DONATE HERE TO RECEIVE THE EBOOK, “Lotus in the Mud.”

If you have any questions, please email me!

I read a wonderful quote from Leonard Cohen in which he said that he wrote about his life knowing that the personal conveyed the impersonal, in so many words. I have always written about the most intimate parts of my life and they do mirror the universal, so I know what he means. “We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” Yep, that’s right. Let’s bring it down to the ego and how wrong it is. All it knows how to do is cover its fanny, hoping that no one sees through what they are doing.

My life is now in its final quarter and no one is winning or losing. Life just keeps ticking along, acting as if clock time were permanent. Wrong! Clocks break and so do people. So do governments, traditions and institutions. Families break as well. My son and I are down to the two of us and we have trouble getting along. Not always, just when I play the TV too loud and he continually rearranges items on the pantry shelf.

The peace I feel comes when I stop fiddling with the knobs of my life and just admit that nothing I can do changes anything of importance. Surrender is where peace begins and ends. Let it be.

I wish I could say that letting go works for very long; it doesn’t. Eternal vigilance is required. I keep thinking of this dream I had decades ago. An American Indian told me that there would be years of rain followed by an ice age. I believe this will happen and this is just the end of something and the beginning of something that will erase all life on this planet. It has happened countless times before.

It is said in the Work that esoteric teachings are saved in the ark and will be sown again when the floods are over and life begins anew. That is probably true, but it means little to me today. Today I must live the best life I can and that is being true to myself. Nothing else matters, really. For if we were all true to ourselves (our essence), things would be much better.

It must be said, however, that evil has no intention in vanishing. It perpetuates itself just as goodness does. “For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.” Romans 8:19.

But let us return to the living moment, which is happening whether we want it to be good or bad. The living moment cannot be controlled, only witnessed. Human beings want their lives to be good but they do the bad. Forgiveness is essential. Love is a result of that. Love conquers all.

Being silly and doing things that perk you up should be encouraged. I like coffee and sweets, my new smart TV and just sitting around doing nothing. This essay arises as easily as the next breath; it keeps me going.

Vicki Woodyard

“The path of sorrow, and that path alone,
Leads to the land where sorrow is unknown.”
~William Cowper

If you are grieving, as I was, here is a tip that just occurred to me today. When I lost Bob, my husband of almost 38 years, I found that being meticulous in running the household without him gave me boundaries. I could not grieve while I was filling out forms, making grocery lists, cleaning house, etc. These tasks could not be put off, so I did them with due diligence.

This desire to cross every I and dot every T arose because my essence was kicking in, but on the mental level rather than the emotional one. My emotions were tapped out, so I tuned into logic and routine to tune out the grief for small periods of time.

I did the housework meticulously. I dusted, mopped and kept everything in apple-pie order. This was my new life and I begin to see that I alone was in charge and I did not want to be derelict in my duties. It felt like God had granted me power over what I could actually have power over and I did not want to be a slouch.

I continued to cry each day, but the periods in between grew longer. I felt good after I had dusted the great room, made my bed and tidied up the kitchen. I had lots of paperwork to do that arose in the wake of Bob’s death, and I did that well, too.

I still run a tight ship with plenty of time left over to write, watch TV and take care of my health. This will be my routine until I don’t have the strength to do it anymore and hopefully, that won’t be for a long time.

Love does not have to be kissy kissy or demonstrative; it is also doing what needs to be done. Vernon Howard’s school was run in that way, yet I was meticulous before I ever went there. I knew instinctively that messes just create more messes. When I visited there, I had no time to grieve because everything counted on me being attentive to the tasks at hand. I still am.

P.S.
In case you don’t know it, I am a Scorpio with Virgo rising and that means people don’t mess around with me. Ha ha ha (but true). I have never had a tendency to be fluffy or fancy; I just tell it like it is and that alone is enough to keep the wrong people away from me. What a frickin’ relief 🙂

Vicki Woodyard

“Love’s the only engine of survival.” ~ Leonard Cohen

In his song, “The Future,” Leonard Cohen writes, “Love’s the only engine of survival.” We know this in our hearts, but the mind forgets.

We prefer to live with the false hope of finding the right mate or pair of shoes or vacation (the list is endless.)

To speak personally, I seesaw between hope and fear, all the while knowing that the seesaw is for children.

What would happen if I should calmly get off and take a very deep breath of relief, even for just a moment.

I could ask myself why I live in such profound despair of ever getting it right.

I could admit that nothing my ego does ever pays off except in the false coin of admiration. Admiration is an empty emotion. It gives us nothing but the urge to keep trying harder to win it. It involves the false “other.” Lord knows, there is no “other.” God would not create an other; He would only create the One.

Now we have a chance to stand in the light and see what this knowledge might do for us. What if it caused the floodgates of relief to wash over us?

What if that beautiful word “No” to so-called others was a profound Yes to our own soul’s freedom to simple be as we are?’’

I rest my case.

Vicki Woodyard

I am at the age of looking back over my life now and it has been a very hard life. The absolute worst was when my little girl died, almost having completed the first grade, but not quite. She was a joyous being, whereas I have not been. She welcomed life with open arms and me, well, I prefer solitude and the gift God has given me of writing.

I got a haircut today and Win, the Vietnames girl who has been cutting it for years, talked to me about things I could do to cover up the littler round spot on the top of my head. She agreed with me that hair would not grow back there, but it was not so bad. And it isn’t. Losing my little Laurie was bad. As far as aging is concerned, I am not fighting it at all. I love sitting in solitude with the great questions still unsolved.

I was watching a beautiful video made by an 86-year-old woman talking about her life. It has inspired to write deeper and better, not worrying about what anyone thinks of me. Oh, there is one nasty subscriber to my blog that keeps hurling insults at me, but that is okay. I am made of strong stuff.

My son and I have spent the past 18 years struggling to find a balance in our relationship. I get up early and he is a night owl. I play the TV too loud and he wears noise-cancelling headphones!

We don’t talk about the past and how both of us were broken open twice. He has not read any of my books and I understand why. When I write, I play the vulnerability card, whereas with him I don’t. He now does all the driving and is constantly having to jump in and solve various problems for me.

Do I experience joy as I approach my 80th year? I can’t say that I do, but my solitude is quite peaceful. I can spend the day any way that I like. I can cook or not. I can write or not. So on and so forth. There were many years when I woke up to face another day of grief or servitude to the dying. I was tapped out physically and emotionally for decades. So for me, joy is not as important as healing to me.

Enlightenment is no longer an issue, for human beings must come to accept that we simply do not know what happens inside of any other human being. We are all made up of both good and bad. We make one step forward and two steps back. We are learning patience and fortitude.

I know that my writing hits home with the right people. I have no other talents, so I use it to the hilt. When I die, “Bigger Than the Sky” will have been my biggest success. Not because it was a success, but because I know from myself that every word in it arose from profound loss and therefore profound wisdom. For me, they are the same.

Vicki Woodyard

Every day is another day in hell. We know this when we begin to observe our thoughts and feelings, but most people don’t do that. Observation delivers us from evil.

I watch myself feeling self-pity and frustration. You feel it, too.

I forget to watch myself and a haze of ignorance falls around my shoulders. It is then that I begin to indulge myself in every way possible. Overeating, overreacting, etc.

Although I write essays that are on point, my ego never reads them! It is far too busy worrying about its perceived lack of love. It forgets that it has studied truth for decades. Its only investment is in protecting itself.

Oh, occasionally I have an accidentally good day, but in the main, I feel miserable.

When I write about myself, I am writing about you, too.

The internet has told us to be extremely reactive to political news. The ego watches the news in order to feel righteous indignation, which is not a conscious reaction.

What is to be done about our unreal ego? The answer is nothing. Peace comes from non-reaction and in no other way. Let the sleeping do-gooders march with their placards and false promises of victory. No one wins when the ego is in charge.

I will leave you with one sentence: Observe yourself failing yourself. This is the way out of prison.

Vicki Woodyard

Reclaiming your life daily is a must; otherwise you will lose energy in a mechanical way. Yesterday my left foot was numb and I let it annoy me all day long. I even messaged my neurologist. I said that the numbness was worse than the pain because pain can be treated and numbness can’t.

This morning the numbness had vanished. Encouraged, I Googled up ways to manage disturbing conditions, fear and anxiety. One site taught me how to yawn widely and then to let out the breath very slowly. I did this 3 times and it felt so relaxing. Another exercise is to move the eyes from side to side while thinking of a traumatic event. I did this as well. Since neuropathy gets worse with time, I am going to do some deep research into alleviating anxiety.

All of us spend hours each day frittering away our daily supply of energy; I know I do. When I am experiencing stress from anything, I can choose to do some exercises to relax.

Life is all too short and yet sometimes it feels all too long. We ignore the spirit and get lost in thoughts of how miserable we are.

My main inner work consists in silent awareness when I get too far off track, as I did yesterday. Anyone can manage to focus on their breath for a minute or two.

I also spend too much time fretting about our country becoming fascist. It would seem that Trump, who is pure evil, is still exerting influence on his base. The Republican Party is now autocratic and the Supreme Court has gone rogue. I cannot fix this; it is all happening in a very downhill way. The Democrats are trying, but I feel it is too late.

Time for me to yawn and move my eyes slowly sideways a few times.

Ah, self-control is the only way out of the nightmare that is our life on earth.

Vicki Woodyard