This morning it is cold and rainy. Since coming down with a virus and developing bronchitis from it, I haven’t left the house in a couple of weeks. The plumber arrived this morning because I accidentally put a plastic tablespoon down the garbage disposal.

He arrives looking thin and I ask him if he has lost weight. He tells me he has lost about twenty pounds. As he works on the disposal we talk about how he lost the weight. (I need to eat healthier myself, so I am interested.) This man know everything there is to know about plumbing and is as honest as the day is long. He finishes cleaning the disposal out and is now trying to fix the faucet in the guest bathroom. He tells me that if he can’t get the old faucet out, he will have to put in a new one. He shows me on his tablet what it will cost. It’s a lot but it has to be repaired.

Plumbers make a lot of money; if they are good, they are worth every penny. If they have good character like this man does, you know they will never lie to you. (Unlike Donald J. Trump!) He is going to announce his candidacy for President in 2024 later today. Ugh and double ugh!

This is not a spiritual essay. Life is not a spiritual essay; it is a living experiment. Some work but others don’t. Our world is in between democracy and fascism right now. Right now democracy is winning here, but to see it continue on we must pay the price of eternal vigilance. We don’t have time for Donald Trumps anymore!

So far so good is all that we can say. Everyone is waiting for Trump’s indictment and we wonder if it will ever come. It will, but it remains to be seen as to what he will encourage his “followers” to do in protest. They will not accept their king being indicted, that’s for sure.

The time for us to do our inner work is now and not a minute later. We all have monkeys on our backs of one kind or another. It could be a sweet tooth or a proclivity for violence. None of us are angelic, and that’s for sure also.

I shall wind up this essay by saying that if all you can do is witness how many times a day you fall down, just get up one more time than that and you will do just fine.

Love,
Vicki

The Self Knows Its Own

These days I am seeing things more clearly. I am seeing how the outer world is just the rind, as Francis Thompson said: (“The pulp so bitter, how shall taste the rind?”) It is where inevitability manifests, whether for good or evil. It must be accepted before there can be a possibility of change.

After decades of inner work, I now know myself as an unfolding mystery. Everything is in flux on the inner planes. The spirit knows its own there and that is a very good thing!

What I know about myself is pure gold, the untarnished essence of my true nature. It is what carries me through the outer world and shields me from its constant blows. Yes, the outer world is where we take our licks. In the inner world we repent and sit in silent acknowledgement that we are sinners by nature and dependent on higher forces.

“We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (The World is gory, God is glory.) It would be wrong to say that we are pure spirit; that may be the case, but we have fallen very far from grace.

Today’s world is teetering on the brink. Revolution, chaos and evil in high places are on the menu. Do not order from it! Instead, seek out your soul and see where it has a chance to blossom. Then follow the old adage, “Bloom where you are planted.”

You do not have to go along with the outer world; it is not your home. Your home is in higher consciousness and has nothing to do with the world.

Let it be said that grace is what constitutes the Self and the Self knows its own.

Selah!

Vicki Woodyard

Bittersweet

Life on Planet Earth is bittersweet these days, is it not? Some people are hungry, others have lost their freedom, not to mention how many people are being exterminated in Ukraine, all for the ego of one monstrous man.

Yet in spite of all these things, adversity makes people grateful for what they have. The Ukrainian people are to be marveled at as they rise each day to see yet more destruction and evil. They help each other and love each other in the face of a cold and harsh winter. The grief must be palpable and yet the love rises above it.

Here in America, autocracy is keen on edging democracy out, but it has ever been thus. Man is both good and evil and there is no such thing as stasis. It remains to be seen whether freedom will prevail or not.

My son and I are fighting a virus. That is such a small thing relative to the whole. We are a tiny family and sometimes we get at cross-purposes with each other, as all families do. The sorrow we carry seasons the stew of everyday life. Tonight Rob fixed a beef recipe in the Instant Pot. It had both fat and lean and we could use a bit of both.

Tonight I will watch 60 Minutes and work crossword puzzles. I run through them so quickly, but they keep my mind occupied.

I used to study truth compulsively and constantly, but those days are no more. Now I see more clearly that I am always on the brink of sleep and the battle is to remember myself, as Gurdjieff used to say.

We are forgiven as long as we have contrition. Without that, we are just brainless heartless automatons. And who wants to be like that!

So I shall sign off now and retire to the great room until it is time for bed.

Love,
Vicki

For some reason I took a copy of “A Guru in the Guest Room” down from the shelf. I think Swami Z still holds up. I have it on pdf if anyone wants to read it. For a small donation, I will email it to you.

It was written about ten years again and is a humorous look at awakening. I am the main character and Swami is my reluctant swami. I invented his character when Bob was going through cancer treatment; it helped keep me sane.

If you are not able to laugh at the seriousness of whatever your current situation is, I feel for you. Laughter is the best medicine.

If you want the pdf of it (which I believe can be read on an ereader), just go to my website and make a donation through PayPal and I will email it to you asap.

Love,

Vicki

Yesterday I posted a one-liner saying that I speak the language of loss. What I mean by that is that my life has been informed, not by acquisitions, but losses. And put that way, so has everyone else’s.

We are told to think positive and yet the mind has never been able to do that. The mind speaks the language of loss; that’s why. It is why affirmations seldom work; they go against our internal experience of loss.

When we are born, we are sentenced to death. That is not pessimism; it is a fact. Subconsciously, everyone feels like a loser. And if they are honest, losing is preferable to winning, because winning is for the ego.

Leonard Cohen wisely said many things about loss; he himself was not a positive thinker. “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”

Jesus exhorted his followers not to lay up treasures on earth, that this world is not our home. Our home exists on a higher level than the mind, which is composed of the opposites.

When Jesus hung on the cross, he told the two thieves hanging on either side of him, “This day thou shalt be with me in paradise.”

My losses have been more severe than most. I can say that because I don’t know anyone who lost both child and spouse to cancer. These losses affected not only me but my son. He lost his childhood when his sister began going to St. Jude.

I know about loss and how it drives me to seek higher teachings than winning.

I know about being lost and how it impels me to become found.

I know about loss because that is what Christ taught. Only in being lost can you be found.

Vicki Woodyard

Last night I had a worrisome dream. It was on the common theme of me trying to get home. In this case, I had taken my baby boy to the doctor for a minor problem for which he needed no healing. But on the way home I got lost (a common dream theme).

Most of the dream was spent in a vain attempt to call my mother and let her know the baby was okay. But I couldn’t remember her phone number. I saw some friends going somewhere and so I joined them.

We traveled through a monotonous landscape. The friends knew I was worried, but behaved rudely toward me, saying that I shouldn’t be so concerned, that we had plenty of time to arrive.

Towards the end of the journey I looked down and saw some coins. I picked up a silver dollar and kept seeing more coins. Some of them were false and were intermingled with the real ones. I traveled on with a handful of the real ones.

We went through hills and some of them were underground. I looked up and saw a young black man who had crystal obelisks that he had found in the dirt. I wanted one and held out my hand. His aim was perfect, as was the way in which I held my hand and I caught it. Someone else saw it and wanted one and he threw one to them, too. And then we moved on.

I never called my mother, but after I caught the obelisk everything was okay.

End of dream. What did it mean? All I can say is that the obelisk was the highlight of the dream. It was enough even though I had no idea why.

That is how this journey goes. Usually we are frustrated and denied what we want. Even when our desire to wake up is strong, we keep forgetting our purpose here on earth. But something higher is watching us and occasionally sends us a message via a dream. This time the message was not to worry about getting back home, but to look up and receive a gift from the higher world.

From life to death man struggles to make a better life for himself and yet it is not up to him to provide for his soul. His job is to just keep walking on through the perils of being a human being. The soul knows its own and will provide for it. But never mix ordinary thoughts with spiritual consciousness; it will never work.

Vicki Woodyard

“Being authentic is your entire satisfaction.” Vernon Howard said that and superficially and immediately, we say a hearty “Hell, yeah!” But notice it has the word “hell” in it. What’s that all about?

It’s about lying to yourself every time you do things you never wanted to do or go places that you never wanted to be.

Introverts suffer from being inauthentic in an attempt to stave off criticism. You see, we are happiest at home doing nothing as compared to going out doing everything we dislike doing. “What is that?,”you might be asking. Oh, chitchatting about this and that, that’s what.

Introverts love nothing better than getting out of things they never wanted to do. The dreaded invitation comes and you cringe inwardly. “How can I get out of this?” You can’t unless you make up a reasonable excuse or simply say no. The latter never happens, sadly. So you go and come home drained once again.

Vernon knew about all of us; he knew how seldom we were authentic in a group of people. It has ever been thus. He knew that we fear saying no. But we need to say it, at least occasionally, if we are ever to be truly happy in life.

So this note is all about the word “no.”

A no to the world is a yes to yourself.

Conforming to avoid criticism is not only the booby prize, it is you at your most inauthentic.

I want to be entirely satisfied, so I will have to be entirely authentic. Starting now.

Vicki Woodyard

If I am authentically in the moment, the words I type are destined to be read by someone totally unlike me. The unknown is a precious gift and we are all unknown.

Being like others mechanically is a bore, but being unlike anyone else is a gift you give yourself.

I have never liked socializing; I much prefer a solitary life in which I am free to be myself.

It is 10:45 and I am still not dressed for the day. It doesn’t matter.

What matters is the great mystery of “Who am I?

The fear is alive and well in me—the fear of not being good enough to be myself. Not yet, I mumble. Maybe tomorrow.

I have written a lot of notes during times of great sorrow and now I find myself mostly okay.

A handful of people read my words and relate to them, for they are written by a fellow human being.

I am just like you and you are just like me.

Newborn to the moment and fearing that the next step may be perilous.

What if it all blows up? What then?

I shall get dressed and go about my own business.

And so shall you. We shall meet in the ethers of divinity and humanity.

Clouds of unknowing bravely acting the role we were given to play.

Let us pray and then let us play.

Vicki Woodyard

Vanity is all-pervasive for sleeping people. Everything is done for the sake of looking good. The word vanity is not often used these days, but it is such a powerful force.

Vanity has long played a part in my life. But now I know it consciously. It never changes because it is mechanical and nothing mechanical can change. That is a very important sentence.

Vanity is denied by sleeping people. “Who, vain? Not me!” Yes, it is always me.

Society turns on vanity. Think how big the beauty industry is or how concerned we are about our skin and hair.

It also turns on social vanity. “I am quite a good party-giver, if I am honest. No, you are not honest.

No one wants to be vulnerable and that is where vanity comes in.

We are asleep to our own vanity but awake to others.

Jesus often pointed this out.

“Wake, thou that sleepest.”

As I age, my vanity centers around my aging body.

It is afraid there will come a day when there is absolutely nothing to be vain about.

That day is today.

Vicki Woodyard

As I sat quietly this morning, I suddenly understood something that Vernon Howard would tell his students in every talk. “When you are scared, stay scared.”

What I saw this morning was why he said it, because fighting anything perpetuates it!

I am anxious by nature, so staying scared seems like overkill to me. Now I see that fighting fear perpetuates it.

We all have our perplexing problems that never go away. Mine is social anxiety. I don’t mind people briefly, but I never enjoy long periods of socializing. I get SO tired.

When something comes up that pushes my buttons, my mind starts presenting solutions to me. But they have never worked. That is why I should stay anxious.

Never think you have mastered anything for you will be tested on it again and again.

Vernon often used the Situation: Solution illustration. The situation is my social anxiety; the solution is not to battle it on the mental level.

Let it be. Whatever it is, let it be.

Surrender is another word for Let it be.

“I give up” is a beautiful teaching.

Rest in reality, even when it appears terrifying.

Let it be.

Vicki Woodyard