You know you are living an essence life when you prefer solitude to company. When you easily see through other people and yes, your very own self!

You have studied yourself up close and personal for a long time now and you don’t like what you see. How’s that? you say. If you are doing your inner work, you know that you are as selfish as the next guy, that you are easily confused and misled and at times even eat every potato chip in the bag. Did it help? No, it just gave you new zits. C’mon, now, awakening doesn’t mean you lose your sense of humor.

I have never enjoyed socializing, seeing it as so full of pretense as to render it nauseating. These days I hear that people don’t email anymore because texting is easier. I haven’t caught onto texting and my phone is anathema to me.

Holidays are a punishment to true introverts and there is a picture of me by the word in the dictionary. I didn’t say whose dictionary, now did I?

You know you are living an essence life when your social circle is so small it is just “me, myself and I,” and you get tired of playing all of the roles.

You know you are living an essence life when your idea of fun is sitting alone watching your thoughts and examining your feelings. You used to suppress the damned things, didn’t you? But now you see them for what they are: clues dropped along the awakening trail. Once you see clearly that nothing you do can make you happy, do you stop trying? Of course not, you have a head made out of wood!

That is probably the last realization—that awakening is not a head trip. Throw the books away and just sit and sit and sit……..zzzzzzzzz. Sorry!

You get my drift, get busy and start living your essence life. It’s really a lot of fun when you start letting yourself know that you mean business and that you’re not gonna take it anymore, and….and….and….well, you know what I mean. Stop it. Just stop it. Click on “Stop It” link below.
Vicki Woodyard

Stop It!

Life gets real around the holidays. Bob died in December of 2004 of the same disease that his father died of, also in December a few decades prior to him.

I dislike the holidays, understandably. I have grown to tolerate them as my grief has eased, but they remain unfulfilling for me.

I often wonder how I have remained devoted to writing for decades. Probably because I don’t have a lot of talents to focus on. Writing is it for me. I write the first paragraph and the other ones will be a mystery to me until I have reached the end of the essay.

I study myself in both good and bad weather, psychologically speaking. I know from my own experience that life is cruel and often brief.

No one ever speaks the truth because they fear what would happen to them if they did. Society is an ornate masquerade, those that enjoy it remain at the mercy of it.

At any moment, the door can slam shut on an unwitting human being.

No arguments will bring back the dead or soothe the living.

Time is a healer, it is said; usually by those who have never suffered a severe bereavement. But believe it or not, the truth is the greatest healer, for in the truth is where God abides.

Allow yourself to open to the truth. Receive the gift of wisdom and rejoice that you have found the touchstone for your broken heart.

Tinsel and toys are for children; reality is for those who are capable of receiving it.

Acceptance is a virtue, whereas unthinking social mores do nothing for the grieving soul.

I remain outside the guild while writing outside the lines of society.

Less is more.

Find a few words to soothe your soul. “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.” That will do for a start.

Vicki WoodyardT

There are so many insights that we have when we are struggling to wake up that something always gets crowded out and we are left incomplete and sorrowful. At least that is the case with me. I have written millions of words and none of them has arrived at what I am going to try and say next, so bear with me.

This morning I got an email from my sister asking me to send light to a dear friend of hers that is in the hospital with some kind of heart emergency. I immediately sat down and did the best I could to wrap her friend in white light. But let’s face it, mere mortals can never deliver on eternal promises, that is left to our Maker, whatever that means to you.

This is the start of the holiday season, always a trial for me. My husband died five days before Christmas eighteen years ago and despite my son and I living together, I remain alone. We all remain alone and that is a spiritual fact as long as we are in human bodies. No one else can move into our body, now can they?

I know that all of you are doing your best to awaken and therefore, each step you take is alone into the Alone with a capital “A.” That is our lesson as human beings. There is but one God and we are all living examples of that. No other human being can lesson the sorrow of being separate from each other. I know. I have endured through the loss of both child and husband. My son and I carry our losses in different ways. That is because all of us are the One. This is spiritual law and it cannot be broken. We must approach God in single file.

The world cannot reveal this truth to you, for the world is an illusion. Once you deeply accept this, your sorrow begins to make some sort of sense. The world falls away and all of the people in it.

What next, you cry. What next? I have never discovered what is next and that is because of the Law of One. I cannot look to any other human being to carry my cross for me and neither can you. They are individually tailored and there is no way we can figure out how to escape from the inevitable. We arrive at the gates of Heaven one pilgrim at a time.

So even though I am writing to you, there is only me here typing these words. If they move you, you are approaching this truth yourself. We must cling nowhere, as the old saying goes and the world is all about clinging.

Turn away from the world and approach the Law of One. Stop expecting others to merge with you. It may seem that you have found human companionship, but it is only for a time. And time does not exist in the Kingdom of Heaven and neither do we.

On this most solitary of journeys, wipe the tears from your eyes and acknowledge the Law of One. Duality is where grief happens, not in an awakened man or woman. And awakening is an illusion in itself. Embrace paradox and be free.

Vicki Woodyard

I started rewatching “North by Northwest,” that famous edge-of-your-seat thriller written by Alfred Hitchcock. Suddenly I had an intense awakening moment, almost as intense as the movie. I saw how I spend my life explaining myself to people and then explaining the world to myself. And that’s all it is, one explanation after another!

Of course, all this is happening while you are in a state of sleep, you might say a case of mistaken identity. You were brainwashed into thinking that you must act the role of (insert your name here), no matter whether you are comfortable with the role or not.

I find myself engaged in a conversation with someone and acting the part of Vicki. I sense it’s just an act, but I know I must not reveal that I know that it is only an act. Why? Because then the person I am talking to would not know what to do next! So I keep on playing the role in order to “look normal.”

If I stopped the conversation and said, “I used to think that I had to play the role of Vicki, but now I know that I am not her.” And of course, they would think I had lost my mind. Yes, I lost my mind a long time ago and am just now realizing it. And along with this realization comes the certain knowledge that the world is one big con game.

I want out but have no idea how to make a graceful exit from all future conversations in which I am forced to play my role so that someone else can play their role. A tit for tat, if you will. Another round of insanity.

What I have done is leave the world inwardly, if not outwardly. At this point you may be nodding your head. “So the whole world is a stage,” just as Shakespeare said so many centuries ago. I have merely been “strutting and fretting my hour upon the stage,” to quote the bard himself.

I live a simple life as against the complications of the lives most people lead. So I find myself inwardly apologizing for living such a dull life, which I am doing by choice, mind you! But I cannot reveal why I have made such a decision or they might think me mad.

I study truth and the truth as opposed to the fiction of the world. But I cannot relay this message to sleeping human beings, now can I? I bet you know exactly what I am getting at, don’t you? You can probably say it better than I can. I got out of Dodge a long time ago and now live an extremely boring life, all the better to work on myself, my dear. All the better to work on myself.

Vicki Woodyard

Dear Friends,

It’s been August since I asked for donations, so perhaps a few of you will be generous enough to send a bit through PayPal. If you have donated since then, please don’t do so again! (And nothing over $25!)

I will keep writing as long as there is an interest and so far, there still is. That makes me very happy. The donation link is below. And Happy Thanksgiving (If you are in the U.S.)

DONATE HERE.

Love and gratitude,
Vicki

Dear Kindred Spirits,

Today is a big birthday for me! As I get older, there are fewer and fewer restrictions on me. I have a strong and gentle son who shares a home with me. This morning I got up and had a bowl of cereal, having slept a mere 3 hours last night, due to bronchitis. Luckily, I had an appointment with my neurologist this morning. After I told him about the severity of my cough, he wrote a prescription cough remedy for me.

I wanted to eat lunch out, but the first place we tried had stopped serving lunch, as had the second one. The third time was a charm. We ate at a place called First Watch. I had a huge chocolate chip pancake with bacon and coffee. I hadn’t been there before, but it was just what I needed. Rob will pick up my birthday cake later and hopefully the Rx will have been filled by that time.

On the “kindred spirits” address to you, that is exactly how I feel. The wrong people will be pushed away by my writing while the right people will be hungry for more. That is how it was with Vernon Howard, too. Those seeking a Sunday school teacher would leave indignantly. Then he was free to tell the truth to those who had ears to hear.

I used to feel guilty about not having a social circle. The closest thing I had was a women’s spiritual study group, a cancer wellness society and a wonderful kirtan group. Those are behind me now and it is just me, myself and I.

In a sense my losses have turned into gains, which is how it should be. I have two good friends and many online readers that support me in my endeavor to keep going deeper into truth as it falls from my fingertips.

This is no picnic or joyride, as you know so well. Instead the way grows narrower and narrower the deeper that we go.

Heed the words well: Straight is the way and narrow is the gate and few there be that enter in.”

Much love to all,
Vicki

The Last Resort

Emptiness is a last resort, isn’t it? You’ve read volumes and volumes of self-help books, perhaps turned to books about the Tao, the mystic path, etc. and so forth. “If I knew then, what I know now,” you mumble to yourself.

You get to a somewhat intellectual abstract emptiness that quickly turns into the latest ego trick. You try to convince yourself that you are growing, right?

We’ve all been conning ourselves for so long now about some many things. That being online with spiritual people is worthwhile. That striving to be no one is where it’s at (and you know you are crammed full of “someone.”) We all are; you are not unique.

How many spiritual teachings have you gone through over the years?

How much inner peace do you consistently have?

I love myself more when I have a good haircut and some sort of chocolate stash. Oh, I know that is impermanence at its best, but the body has to be lured into something soothing and chocolate does it for me.

I sit and sit and sit and still I am sitting with “me.”

I can see her in the mirror and frankly, she has morphed into an old lady. Ouch. I didn’t expect that.

Honesty is the blessed policy, or so they say. My mother used to say I was SO honest. And she was right. That is all I have going for me. That and a keyboard with the letters wearing off.

All questions can be answered but you are still crammed full of ego.

Every desire can be satisfied and you are still in chains.

You’ve read the scriptures and done time behind bars of thoughts and feelings.

It isn’t enough. Nothing ever is.

Oh, wait, there IS one more thing. Emptiness.

Can you stand the earth- shattering stillness?

Can you silence thoughts yet? I can’t.

Vicki Woodyard

The world is living in dangerous times and evil is on the ascendancy. Even though Donald Trump cannot possibly win reelection, the falsehoods that the Right are telling guarantees the continuance of that evil.

One only has to reflect on how Republican rhetoric is stormtrooper-like and you know how easily gullible people are influenced by it.

What can a spiritual student do with this knowledge?

They can let their inner eyes stay open while it is so tempting to close them. As Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Breathe in the air of right inner authority. Breathe out the toxins of hatred and ignorance.

On a higher level, this is a just universe, but on the lower level chaos will continue to reign.

As a student of the inner kingdom, one’s job is to simply know the truth which will make them free.

Freedom is eternal vigilance, not to the laws of the land, but to the laws of God.

This world is a mental abstraction of both good and evil; it is not and never has been under the rule of God. Let this sink in, then go about your inner work of knowing the truth. Only in this way will you ever be set free.

Freedom is of God, not of man.

Jesus was crucified by man but He arose by the power of God.

Every day we must make a choice between good and evil. Only in that way will we ever know inner peace.

Vicki Woodyard

Every essay I write is a new experience for me and for the reader—at least I hope that is the case! As I sat on the couch coughing away while trying to watch TV, I gave up and came in here to my trusty Mac. Fasten your seatbelts, here we go.

The ego is formed in order for the individual to fit in with a sleeping world. If we are lucky, at some point we break down and crawl on our hands and knees looking for some kind of magic talisman.

The first stop is usually a New Age bookstore, or at least that section in a regular bookstore. Back in the “Brick and Mortar Days,” I loved the smell of a good bookstore. I spent my precious money on every esoteric book I could get my hands on. I was looking for enlightenment. It was said that you could find it if you looked long enough and hard enough. What a joke!

I have never found enlightenment, which is a concept and concepts are useless if you are looking for true inner peace.

What I found is how bad off we all are, how miserable and inauthentic we are. And the internet is not the place to go looking for authenticity, now is it?

These days I spend my time in a rich and fertile silence, making nightly excursions into TV shows I enjoy. I just got a smart TV this year and I am thrilled with it. But most of the time I am alone with the silence.

Once you attain “un-enlightenment,” it is but a quick trip to enlightenment. Two letters, “U” and N” are removed by your spirit and now you discover your true nature. Don’t ask me what it is because it is beyond description.

Words are useless in your quest for enlightenment. Words are the booby prize. I write these essays with tongue firmly in cheek since I am bored silly by serious mental discussions of our true nature.

Let me just say that Vicki doesn’t know. She is concerned with her image and her neurotic attempts to improve it. But underneath Vicki lies the hidden treasure. The map is honesty and only the pure in heart can ever find it.

We are all on a mission to find God and He is incredibly skilled at hiding Himself, is He not?

Let me close this essay by saying that although we are hot on the trail, He will never be found. Now what kind of a God is that, wink wink, nudge nudge…

You tell me and we’ll both know.

Vicki Woodyard

I have lost a lot of energy to this respiratory virus. It’s been over two weeks and I am quite depleted of energy. Thanksgiving and my birthday are next week, but I am going to take a hard pass on celebrating both of them! Right now recuperation is Job One.

As I get older and hopefully wiser, one lesson is at the forefront of all others. I choose to forgive myself and others relentlessly, fully and finally. Everything else is icing on the cake.

I no longer have anything to prove to myself or to you. I no longer expect the world to do anything but wobble miserably on its axis. That is what I am doing, for sure!

The time of abstract teachings and theories has come and gone for me. Now it makes perfect sense for me to let go of the whole kit and caboodle.

My life is now in the rearview mirror and I am tired of looking into it. The poisoned apple holds no appeal to me.

Instead, this morning I am grateful to have clean hair. Nothing else is on my schedule. Rob is happy to do all of the grocery shopping and errand running. I am free to just sit on a cushion and sew a fine seam.

Life may not be a bowl of cherries, but at least the bowl is not empty. Gratitude for all of those struggling to become better today than they were yesterday. But it IS a losing battle, my friends. God is not interested in our ego’s pride and foolishness. He only needs for us to see so clearly that we are lost, for then we can be found.

Be a loser. Lose and you win.

Seek and you shall find.

I am finding gratitude and surrender to be the most powerful tools in my kit.

Thank you for reading me. Thank you for seeing with me how fallible the ego is.

Mea culpa cubed!

Vicki Woodyard