This is my third day of a weekly Facebook fast. It is doing me some good. This morning I woke up with a new way to write about our spiritual dilemma. We are having an everlasting conversation between two thought selves! It isn’t me, myself and I so much as I am talking to myself and at the same time listening to myself. And God is left out of this scenario, this spiritual schizophrenia.

I want to wake up, I really do, yet as long as I am sound asleep in this “dual personality thang,” it ain’t gonna happen. This morning I woke up having an imaginary conversation with my neurologist. I have never talked about my life situation to him. So the two me’s started a conversation in which one me was talking to an imaginary doctor and the other me was listening. Reality was nowhere in sight!

This is how we live our lives and manage to avoid reality, which is our true oneness. Our true nature is self-unified and we are split in half in order to cope with this difficult world.

In the conversation, one me told the doctor my sad story and the other me listened, not as the doctor but as the other half of my self. (This goes on with everyone all the time; we just don’t see it.)

I told him how difficult my life has been. He didn’t listen because he wasn’t there! This is what we have to see. We are self-divided mechanical human beings. The Way (the Tao) and what Jesus taught are our ticket out of this mental and emotional suffering. We pay with our insights into how asleep we are and how vulnerable we are to our own thoughts about it.

We have to keep seeing how asleep and self-divided we are. It is almost impossible to stay awake more than a few minutes of the time. But now we are on the true Way.

The pearl of great price is our undivided Self. The oyster of the ego has been growing it mechanically so nothing true ever happens. Let us begin again over and over to witness Me talking to Me. Once we realize that we are going down that path again, we are miraculously moved into a state of grace. Self-unity is the pearl! Gratitude arises and the heaven within us rejoices for we have come home.

I am watching a Korean drama on Netflix called “Prison Playbook.” It’s a hard movie to watch but it is an eye opener. This thought came to me while it was on, “Don’t imprison yourself.” Yes, that’s right. We put ourselves in prison all day long. The “shoulda woulda coulda” energy so easily takes us over and clang, the prison door shuts fast again.

I am a perfectionist and I have so easily become a prisoner of my psyche. Not only that, I project the prison onto other people as well. We are all alike, blaming and shaming ourselves all the day long.

Consciousness does not blame; it instead gives a balm for our heavy hearts. This earth life is unbearable for many sensitive souls and only consciousness can set us free. As Vernon Howard said in the first talk I heard him give in person, “Never blame the con man.” I think that means I have full responsibility for how I treat myself.

The prison is a metaphor (luckily, for most of us), that calls us to come back to ourselves. As Watchman Nee said, “Love not the world.” Nee wrote a book long ago with that title. That is all I remember of it. “My kingdom is not of this world.” We all know who said that. And so I blather on about awakening.

To wake up is to absolve yourself of whatever is not working in your life. The soul is in full control and the sooner we call on it, the better off we are.

My son and I are alone for a reason that will never be disclosed to us, but it is a fact. It is a blessing and a curse, for all things on earth are divided.

Acceptance, self-acceptance, is the way out of self-imprisonment. Try it, you might like it.

Vicki Woodyard

Human life is oh, so stressful and it grows increasingly so all of the time. It behooves anyone with any intelligence to study what happens to them instead of just experiencing it mechanically. That is the lesson I learned when I was only 32 and my daughter was diagnosed with cancer. At the age of 43 (I think I was, but I am not sure), I went to Boulder City Nevada with my husband and son to visit Vernon Howard’s school.

I had never been to the desert and I remember waking up and looking in the mirror the next morning. My whole face had aged ten years. I bought some Gold Bond lotion and slathered it on!
We went to his class, being temporarily held in a church building while his students built the new school.

He was formidable, but I knew I would go back. At home I studied him with a deep interest in all he had to say. I am a very honest person so his honesty, shocking as it was, resonated with me. I was broken in bits and pieces by my grief, but at his school it was all I could do to focus on the present moment. I knew that he knew, but what did he know?

At this first talk, he said “Never blame the con man.” And “You’re getting conned in weirder ways than you think.” I remember because I bought the tape of that talk and all the ones he gave for about ten years. I listened to each one twice and made notes. I got some plastic bins to store them in and Bob made some wooden dividers for them.

After I kept them for about 20 years I let them go. I knew nothing more than I had when I first heard him speak (at least on the emotional level). But I sensed that even this was progress for the average human being. Our race (the human race) is in the midst of destroying itself through greed and egotism. All seers know this. Mankind is not kind! Only if you are on the upward path will you be able to see this.

You begin by studying yourself and what you are actually like. You will be shocked to see how petty you are and how little actual love you have inside. This is huge progress. Vernon stripped away our facades as quickly as he could, but we had to do most of the work ourselves.

Growing up, I had always been an A student and was very, very compliant. I had a dream in which Vernon said to me, “Don’t be so accommodating. Act a little tough.” And I knew he had spoken to me from beyond the grave.

These days I pound out these essays with ease. I am finished with any social life that I used to hate so much. Now I read the cartoons that Elsa Bailey posts on Facebook and I have discovered the beauty and humor of Anke Scholz on her page.

I sit in silence a lot, but I also enjoy Netflix and crossword puzzles. I think this essay is finished, so I will only say one thing to you: Study your actual emotional condition. It ain’t “purty.”

Vicki Woodyard

One can only see one moment at a time, in spite of it feeling otherwise. While each moment is happening, we are reacting to the past moment. In other words, “We’re caught in a trap,” as Elvis sang.

We are reacting to the future moment as well. Loaded with anxiety, we the tread the halls of our minds and emotions.

To know this is to know how heaven operates.

It is necessary to jettison thoughts and feelings and just dive into the sublime ignorance. This is known as having faith.

We don’t have to resort to religion to know that we are asleep and afraid.

Instead we can embark on the perilous journey lived one moment at a time.

Our sustenance is the manna of Self-unity.

All seeds do not sprout, so faith is necessary in this journey back to Truth.

Evil and good reside on the intellectual plane and God knows nothing about this.

He resides above all frays, all fears and all fig leaves of the mind.

Trust and obey, as the old hymn says, for there’s no other way.

Vicki Woodyard.

Every day God flows through me as He does everyone; but it is only when we get desperate that we listen to what He is saying.

We are all desperate all the time. That is because the nature of the human ego is evil (mechanical).

Human evil is on the ascendancy these days. Just read the news.

We are an ancient race in danger of becoming extinct, and this has happened before.

Mother Earth is sending us signals that we are in peril, and like naughty children, we are defying Her.

What can be done when the enemy is within? Keep asking yourself that. You will find that there is nothing to do but admit that selfish interests rule the world, not spiritual principles.

To speak personally, I make time to sit alone without indulging my thoughts and feelings, which are seldom positive.

I breathe more slowly and let thoughts arise and dissipate, which they will.

Letting go of the mechanical self can only happen when we choose to do so.

In its place lies the Great Mystery in which our sins are forgiven and we know it and feel it.

We continue to repeat the process of confession and forgiveness.

Since humanity is one, we are also forgiving everyone else.

Peace is possible when we keep choosing it. The masses cannot escape; we do it one by one.

Vicki Woodyard

When we study the mind, it may quiet temporarily, but since it is an illusion studying an illusion….

This morning I wrote this to a friend: “I am trying to stay calm today and not let the possible indictment (of Donald Trump) let me stew too much. I was thinking of how before the internet, we didn’t know how dangerous the human species could be. Now we know.”

Evil, according to Vernon Howard, is mechanical behavior. No one is conscious on this planet, although some may have periods of awakening.

The internet has allowed dangerous human beings to commit acts of evil because they have been stirred up by false theories and dogma.

Now we are reaping the whirlwind and it may be too late to correct the course of human life.

Down here in Georgia, our air is bad from the Canadian fires. In Ukraine, one man has caused mass destruction due to his greed and lack of morals.

We must keep studying our own minds and reflecting on the truth.

“And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set ye free.”

Seeing the truth is the job of us all, but few clock in to this state of being.

Can we go a single day without sinning? You know the answer to that.

Nevertheless, we must keep on keeping on. One day the truth shall dawn upon the sleeping mind and an individual here and there may wake up, but never the masses.

Love is the power that sustains us, not division and hate.

Vicki Woodyard

How can I let go of the sense of effort?
By letting go of the belief that you are apart from God.
By letting go of the belief that you can act alone.

I sit here wanting to let go of my sense of effort, which is lifelong and strong. I imagine that you are the same. Often when I want to learn something, I write about it. This is one of those cases.

If I know that I am a child of God, then I can let go and Him handle all of my problems.

Today I can let go of waiting for an arborist to call me back about my Japanese maple. I am also waiting for a charity to pick up the donations I have set out for them.

Don’t worry; it will just happen of its own accord.

I can also let go of wanting to be fearless.

If I know that I am a child of God, then I can be fearless in my devotion to God.

This is a very trite subject with a very trite message: Let Go and Let God.

But I can’t let go, so I am always forcing things that don’t want to be forced. I am exerting my will over theirs and that leads to isolation. Help!

If I truly want God’s help, I must step back and see what happens when I let go.

Can I relax and reflect? Sometimes. Usually when I am writing, for writing is how I serve truth.

Laughter helps.

You can if you relax and merge with God so that He can act through you. (Difficult assignment)

My friend T. told me that if I want to die by submerging the little me into the Big Me, I can’t think I have any free will anymore. And my brain is programmed to think that I have free will when I don’t.

P.S.
The arborist never returned my 2 calls. No one picked up my donation boxes. I survived….

Vicki Woodyard

It’s Monday and I have a couple of boxes out in the garage for a charity to pick up. I am decluttering, so I can usually scare up a box or two. One thing to go is my CD rack! I have an old Bose radio/CD player and I wore it out playing Leonard Cohen CDs. I need to buy something to play Leonard on, but Rob will have to figure out what I need.

These days I feel a constant pressure to keep my paperwork orderly. I am addicted to post-it pads. When it’s yellow, I feel mellow. And there are yellow sticky pads everywhere.

Part of aging is never knowing where anything might be filed (or forgotten.) The good part of aging is that I feel “off the hook” in a lot of ways. No more driving. No more social life. It’s just me, myself and I.

I appreciate those who commented positively on the essay about having two out of our four dying of cancer. It is now grist for the mill and I use every drop of it.

I cherish simplicity, truth and constant repetition. That is how Vernon Howard conveyed the message of truth to us. He urged us to cull our lives of falsehoods and never hesitate to be true to ourselves, because social lies were killing us. This is more true than ever, as politicians become killing machines. Humanity is facing decades of authoritarianism, so get ready!

The planet is in dire peril and it may be too late now to turn it around. We can try, and think we are succeeding, but Mother Earth is in the ICU and the signs are everywhere. Too hot and too “floody” to ignore her possible demise.

Let’s face it; human beings have turned to politics instead of to God and we all know how that is working out.

We escape spiritual death in only one way and that is by surrendering to the truth. Even when the surrender is made, most of us will forget that we made it and continue on with our destructive ways. God help us all.

Vicki Woodyard

I have often wondered why I had to nurse two family members through their fatal cancers. It certainly doesn’t feel fair. Then again, it certainly didn’t feel fair to my husband when he was diagnosed.

There was no way on God’s green earth that I wouldn’t have meltdown after meltdown after my husband’s illness began. After all, he received the same diagnosis that our little girl had been given: Three years. And so it began, the 3 plus years of Bob’s fight to live.

His diagnosis plunged me immediately into a deep and prolonged grief, for he could not live. I felt weak yet rageful with a God that would ask me to nurse another beloved family member.
I was to have no help at all, either.

How I stayed sane is a mystery, as chemo after chemo unfolded, me sitting beside a brave man who wanted to live. But he had no chance, no chance at all back then. Today, people are undergoing successful transplants if they get multiple myeloma. But Bob’s doctor told us that it would be best for us as a family not to go through all the dangers attendant on a transplant.We had been through so much already. This oncologist was a prince of a man and we were grateful to have him.

I was 57 when Bob was diagnosed and 62 when he died. (He was 63) The first Christmas was the hardest. Rob and I had no celebration and still don’t. We are alike in that respect. Neither of us enjoy extravagance on any level. Neither did Bob. But I am sure he looked down on us with pity as we floundered through the holiday hours and days.

Life returned to normal, but it is not the kind of life that most people live. It is devoid of hopes and dreams and is, instead, built on a deep understanding of how fragile human life is.

We have different schedules. Rob always worked the late shift and still gets up late. I am an early bird. We have an early evening meal and then he is off to cycle on the Silver Comet Trail. He loves being outdoors and I don’t. He is good at figuring out things I can’t understand.(I simply can’t read instructions on how to set up anything. I can’t even read maps.)

I go to bed early and he stays up late, so we each have our own private zones. More and more he is becoming my caregiver; there is no getting around that.

I started off wondering why two members of our family of four died. No answers will be given. All I know is that I became a writer and a few of you are glad I did.

Vicki Woodyard

Hi folks,

Someone has transcribed my interview with Rick Archer, of Buddha at the Gas Pump. Enjoy!

Vicki Woodyard Transcript