Suffering mechanically is a lousy way to live. We, if we are suffering, are asked to simply know that we are suffering. We are free to fix the problem if we can, but if we cannot, to enter the void. I love this quote: “Rest in the void; the void takes care of its own.”

Take a deep breath after reading that. Rest and then watch yourself suffering mechanically again!

You see, the void does knows its own, which is us in all of our tainted glory. We were meant to be children of God, but we have become mechanical men and women.

The garbage truck just came and I said a mental thank you for getting rid of all my external garbage. But there is no truck for our poisonous thoughts against ourselves. “I’m too old, it’s their problem, I can’t afford it,” on and on ad nauseam.

You can mess yourself up so thoroughly that it drowns out the chance for truth to live its life through you. I did that yesterday. But today will be different, you mumble without really meaning it. In five minutes you will be torturing yourself again.

Here’s the thing; there is no way out of mechanical suffering except to suffer consciously. Jesus was the example of that. There are others that follow different religions, but religion itself is a drug meant only for the masses. We are called to come out from among them. And we can’t.

So what do we do to get out of our own way and just let life unfold. That is a mystery in and of itself, isn’t. I do not claim to have the answer; I only have the question.

Don’t you feel better after seeing that you are the problem? BTW, this is not a discussion forum; those are for intellectual beginners.

This is a space we can meet to NOT argue with ourselves. Find that space inside yourself that shuts up and listens to the silence.

Some of you never comment but I know you are there because I am throwing out morsels of truth. This life ain’t easy, but it’s all we’ve got and we must work tirelessly to find something more than our lousy physical lives. Maybe forgive yourself for being so mechanical? It’s a temporary fix but we must walk on, throwing away our crutches of disbelief in our own ability to simply put one foot in front of the other. Maybe throw in a handful of confetti and laugh.

Vicki Woodyard

A Large Angel

I had a long rambling dream in which I was with Rachel Maddow. I feel that in the dream she symbolizes the search for truth in the world. She talked at great length about her process; it seems her mind is busy and she remembers everything.

At some point in the dream she left and I continued walking with a rather plump ordinary person. I told her about losing my daughter. I don’t remember what I said, but, in essence, I told her that the silence helped me more than words.

I have taken the road not taken, and I’m not sure what that means. I do know that socially I have had no choice but to take it.

“Rest in the void. The void takes care of its own.” This is an eastern teaching that most westerners are unfamiliar with. You see, the familiar drapes our true nature in lies and deceptions. This is called “having a full life.” But emptiness is fullness for some of us.

My writing is about finding rest in a restless world. I am not sure how this is helpful to me, but it is. Every day offers me peace or chatter and I hate chatter.

It is about coming clean and telling you that I have no social life. I go through each day as best I can, attending to what life demands of me. But I rest naturally in the silence.

Some people have seen a large angel with me, although I am not gifted in seeing. But I trust what they said. It is probably this angel that is doing the writing.

The mind plays the role of the devil, always tempting me to leave the silence and “get busy.” And what is worse, I fall prey to it. It is a good thing that I have this angel always with me. Selah.

Is it worth it for me to keep on writing. I do it for the faithful few and they know who they are. Yesterday we had a mild family kerfuffle on getting the house more organized. The result was silence for the rest of the day (and not the good kind.)

I spent a lot of time online and have gotten interested in the Five Exercises (I believe they are Tibetan, at least originally. The thing is, my muscles are being affected by my neurological issues. I want to start off doing them very slowly.

The housekeepers did such a wonderful job. I asked them not to dust (because the former women broke things when they dusted. But come to think of it, I am more apt to break things than them!

The real meat of anything comes down to what you want and need. We are taught not to be selfish and as we grow, we realize that if you are not selfish, you will be a pushover for anyone and everything. Esoteric knowledge can only be studied by you! You cannot give it away; that would just be charisma.

At this point in time, everything I am unable to do will be done by Rob. My lot is to surrender gracefully (which I cannot do).

There are too many sticky notes all over the house because the meds affect my memory.

Each day I notice things around the house that need to be fixed. I need an electrician and they are hard to find. The last time two came, they did little and charged much. I need to have cedar boards replaced, too. It cost me a fortune to get that huge tree felled and hauled away. Then I had to pay more to plant some things in the bare spot that the machinery made when they were working.

Worry, what to do about it, she asks herself wryly.

But seriously and wearily, folks, life is hard and working on yourself usually means you realize that the company of fellow students is rare. So you work alone. Never mind; it pays off. We begin to respect ourselves as we respect the Truth within us. The gold is buried deep and it is up to us to mine it. Let’s get busy!

Vicki Woodyard

I have tried so hard to get it. Invested heavily in books on how to become enlightened ad nauseam. My appetite for awakening was boundless. I am a fast reader but a slow learner. It’s like human beings were given this earth that came with no instructions. If we wanted a family, we had to grow our own. (Insert giggle.)

So in the first paragraph I have shown you the problem so far. It can’t be learned from a teacher or a book. But I fell in love with the story of enlightenment.

Other people (by the thousands) reported that they had gotten it. All I had gotten was the price I paid for books on how to get it.

I was in my forties back then. Now I am old. I have learned bits and pieces of enlightenment, but truth to tell, God has hidden it so well that no ego can find it!

I have done maximum time in Grief Prison and that stripped a lot of falsehood from me. I started writing when my beloved husband left the earth plane in 2004.

Fast forward almost twenty years. I am on medications for neuropathy and am getting weaker from the condition.

The meds make me forgetful, but they alleviate the pain.

I am learning gratitude in the form of a wonderful neurologist who has never let me down.

My son has become a great cook and drives me anywhere I want to go.

Each day I realize how off the mark I am. And that, my friends, is enlightenment.

If you have any desire to become enlightened, you will not find it when you are looking for it.

You find it when gratitude is the grounding force in your life.

For every essay I have written (and they number in the thousands) I have always mentioned suffering. And suffering consciously is the way to get it.

So suffer until the world looks level. Report to me if it changes your mind about wanting to become enlightened.

All I want is my own gratitude for a lifetime of suffering. And this, my friends, is “do-able.” Enlightenment is just a concept and concepts will only lead you into boredom. Gratitude is a delicious dessert after a meal of worldly temptations.

Vicki Woodyard

Having a little “sit down” with God

I just had a little “sit down” with God. Breathing into the silence, I know that He is with me. Breathing consciously is different than breathing mechanically. It is drawing a sacred breath.

Some words come out of my mouth and then evaporate into the conscious breathing.

I am listening to the silence that I have prayed for and it is coating me in comfort.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself and other people.” Breathing.

I let go of the past and future and breathe the breath of God.

Only love can take away the pain and this God knows.

The silence and solace is divine.

All of my thoughts revolve around me like the earth around the sun. In 24 hours, I am conscious only in brief moments. Otherwise I sleep through my short life on earth.

I have given myself away to trivialities when my very life force is running out right on schedule.

My wants and needs are of the ego and not of true life. God whispers something that I can’t quite make out.

So I get even quieter until an amazing thing happens. I realize that quietness is who I am. The words are just meant for human consumption and they vanish back into the silence.

I live in a state of sleep and when I remember that, I wake up for a second. That is all I can do.

Vicki Woodyard

It’s not even 9:30 a.m. and I am already tired. After breakfast, I begin pondering on the fact that if the women dust, certain things are apt to get broken. Two ceramic angels on my mantel that my neighbor gave me for Christmas about five years ago come to mind. I will post a picture of them later on. For me, they represent Bob and Laurie and I would hate to see something happen to them. So I put them on a kitchen shelf for now. Now the room looks like this.

A thought came to me. Everything works if you just keep your self-respect. Things will be changing for me as the tremor progresses. If anyone breaks something, it would be me. And even though I am not the body, it is a great inconvenience to be shaky from head to toe. This must fatigue the body itself. If I shrug my shoulders, they feel spastic, as smooth moves are not easy for me. Essential Tremor is not Parkinson’s. I don’t experience the tremor until I move a part of my body. Right now it is just in my hands, but my muscle mass is not what it used to be and that is because of my neuropathy. I can’t walk very far anymore. Nevertheless, everything is okay for now.

I began the conversation with Rob yesterday. You know, the one where you tell a family member where all the legal papers are and what paperwork we still have to do with a lawyer present. He was very calm about it, saying he already knew where it all was. Anyhoo, I am a perfectionist, as I have often said. But I tend to get very impulsive as well. So the things I cherish must be where
shaky hands or hired hands will not break them.

The car is still at the gas station getting new tires, etc. Rob told me not to ask the next-door neighbors to run him up there to get it. Said he could walk. Okay. He is stubborn about asking people for favors.

The two of us will manage. It is easy for me to get rid of things, but for Rob it is almost impossible.

The silence is the backdrop on which the ego can always rely. It is our true nature and nothing can take it away from us. It is thoughts that mar the silence. I once wrote this line: “Listen, and you will hear a symphony of silence.”Again and again and again. Amen.

Vicki Woodyard

I think some people that read me are ahem, not spring chickens anymore. So when I write about my life as it unfolds, you can identify.

Being human is a full-time job and I am getting worse at it. Just opening a tea bag packet is hard because of the tremor in my hands. Should I open it with the scissors or a knife? It just won’t come open.

I am loving this new “coffeeless “ coffee. It is quite pricy, but I can get 3 cups out of one bag. I slept well last night, a huge frickin’ deal (at least to me).

The Honda is being worked on and it, too, is pricy! Rob is taking over more and more of the daily operations of the Woodyard household of two. I ache to think of the day when it will be the household of one alone on this planet.

Rob spent a lot of years lost in grief, as did I. The last few years he has stayed in good physical shape and plays Trivia with his high school buddies. He enjoys going to rock concerts, too. He is a man of few words with a good sense of humor. Just don’t wake him up early.

Now me, I have a whole day in which to do nothing. I love K-dramas and rarely watch American ones anymore. I work crossword puzzles and read and snack and snack and snack. Get the picture?

At any moment of the day, I write an essay. They are becoming more and more personal as we catch onto this novel idea that it is quite okay to have a self (not to be confused with the Self in all beings.) Yes, we non-duality folks are living in a dual world. Back just a decade ago, people were saying things like, “I am not the body.” No, we aren’t, but somebody is peeing in my pants. (A joke for older people.)

Ageism is alive and well, so I must break the rules and tell you that I am 80 and being challenged by this incarnation, sometimes excessively so. Raise your hand if you can relate (or even able to raise your hand.) No, I don’t do seminars, but I still write on a regular basis. Honk if you enjoy them….

I have seen the depths of both good and evil and they remain entwined, as this old world is a dual one. About half of the day I immerse myself in silence and the rest of the day I spend snacking, snacking, snacking. And now we have found someone to clean the house that I litter with silence and empty snack bags. They are lucky to have me (I can still make a joke, you youngsters.) And that would be anyone over fifty!

Love,
Vicki

Good news, I hired two women to clean the house once a month. In between, we will do our best to maintain it. The man across the street uses them. His job is home renovations and he sends them in to clean up a house after he has completed his job.

So I broke down and asked him for their number. They came yesterday after they finished cleaning theirs.

Two smiling women, I loved them on sight. The older of the two speaks little English, but her niece helps her, not only with cleaning, but also helps translate what I say.

The first visit is deep cleaning, so it costs a little more. I told them I did the dusting myself (translation, the last cleaners broke quite a few things while dusting.)

When I heard the price, I chose every 4 weeks. Rob is already cooking, so he can stop mopping and cleaning the floors. I am a neatnik and he is a pack rat.

Night before last, I didn’t sleep a wink, but last night I had a good deep sleep. Hallelujah!

The car is at the gas station today for maintenance and a new set of tires. Another thing to check off the list. Meanwhile, no door has been found to replace the one that got damaged in a parking lot.

Next on the list for me is getting the seasonal shots. I’m getting them one at a time. Last year, I felt awful after a combination covid and flu jab.

Nothing spiritual about this except to repeat, “Hallelujah!”

Vicki Woodyard

It’s harder for me to do everything these days. I sat in silence a while, then I got up and dusted. I see that this house is becoming too much for me and also the financial stuff that everyone has to keep up.

It is fear that prevents me from moving; it has kept me under its control all of my life. Only being on an honest path enables me to say things like that.

Jesus may be in charge, but He definitely doesn’t dust or keep messy files in order. LOL, as the masses say online.

I have no idea what will happen to make me get rid of this house, so for the meantime I am here saying how things are with me.

My writing is a gift and stems from a lifelong interest in the Path of Awakening. This definitely includes death of the body, even if not death of the ego. A nightclub flashes into my mind, a club called “The Ego a Go Go.” And the ego refuses to “go go.”

What we have left after disillusionment is discontent. Then, by grace alone, we may enter a few minutes of silence.

I am now certain of nothing and that just might be freedom.

Vicki Woodyard

I am an introvert, not a “people person,” and I quite like it that way.

I have never drawn people to me, yet my soul drew me to Vernon Howard and the Work. I drew a teacher from Hawaii from a dream that I had. A woman spoke, “You have a teacher, but you will meet a teacher from Hawaii.” Those were cryptic words, but my late husband and I did fly to Maui. Once there I found the teacher, but that is a story that I have often written about.

If you have been given the gift of the .,Christ Consciousness, you will never be interested in this world. You will dwell within your own silent Self. Of course, you constantly forget that you are the Christ Consciousness, but mercy is also your inheritance.

On first meeting a shaman, he healed me of most of my grief about the loss of my husband. I saw him a few more times and then the pandemic hit. He lives in Peru and I will not see him again, but a good shaman works quickly, thank God.

Now I am an elder in the tribe (of One) and I must submit to my own Self. Why? Because my ego is in the game of betraying the true self.

The world is collapsing over us, underneath us and inside of us. We would be wise to know this and give up all hope of changing the world. That is not our job.

That begs the question, “What is our job?” And the answer will not be given but experienced. And all events come and go, so it is not to change worldly events.

Acceptance to what happens is the answer. Jesus was hung on a crude wooden cross with two thieves on either side of him. That is us in this depraved world of men.

“This day thou shalt be with me in Paradise,” He spoke.

Paradise is our true inheritance, but we have to fail again and again and again to remember those last words uttered as he hung there between the opposites.

Rising above the opposites is how we transcend our painful human experiences.

Oh, the wonder of the living moment!

Vicki Woodyard