I have been lying in bed for hours, but sleep escapes me. It’s a common problem for women my age. While lying there restlessly, a huge download of info was presented to me. I have no idea how to say this but I shall try.
I was led to Vernon Howard, who spoke to his students in scathing talks that blistered our egos. He was doing this on purpose, for he did everything on purpose. I know that he drew me to him because it was my destiny; it’s that simple.
He was impossible to love. He was not handsome or even magnetic. He had wild hair and wore open neck shirts and slacks with run-over tennis shoes (the slip-on kind.)
Although he was unlovable, he was powerful and I was ready for his talks. As I lay in bed from ten to one:thirty tonight, it hit me that every insulting thing he said to us was true. I know that because I have been studying myself for most of my adult life and let me tell you, the scoldings are necessary. Church is just for sissies not ready to go deeper into their psyches.
What was true about me those long years ago is true today. I am still mechanically driven by the very presence of other people. (In polite society this cannot be acknowledged.) We are all judging each other in a thousand ways and nothing ever changes on the social level. The price of admission to society is your willingness to lie.
I stay home and have for years on end. No one has missed me—that I can tell you.
At home I can be aware of how deep the social pretenses go.
Now the Earth is quickly disintegrating, thanks to mankind. We have been warned and apparently we do not care.
Jesus gave us his two cents worth and was crucified for it. But the joke is on us. His two cents have increased in value in the heart of a man or woman here and there.
Trust me when I tell you this: I have no idea how to be free. The only thing I know how to do is play the role of a writer. Other than that, I am a social pariah. I can pass for normal, but trust me, I am not.
I may stay up all night because I am still not sleepy.
Vicki Woodyard
This morning I managed to fall asleep earlier than usual — I rarely, rarely fall asleep before 1 AM. My little cat, Emmy, wants her breakfast the minute I wake up (whether I’m dragging or not and whether I have found my glasses or not). When I read before bedtime, my glasses are on the night stand; and I can find them immediately. Humans are absolutely mechanical. What we have learned from babyhood on, we repeat and repeat and repeat. We are taught to wear masks very early. We are pressured by others and ourselves to be “keeping up appearances.” I have enjoyed that British TV show for many years now. It’s fun and okay to see the mechanical natures of others; but (in our opinions) we are certainly not as bad as all that. That’s actually correct —- we are far worse! The only remedy is learning the truth and taking as many moments as we can to return and be in our true home with the One.
Your last sentence…amen!