Human life is oh, so stressful and it grows increasingly so all of the time. It behooves anyone with any intelligence to study what happens to them instead of just experiencing it mechanically. That is the lesson I learned when I was only 32 and my daughter was diagnosed with cancer. At the age of 43 (I think I was, but I am not sure), I went to Boulder City Nevada with my husband and son to visit Vernon Howard’s school.

I had never been to the desert and I remember waking up and looking in the mirror the next morning. My whole face had aged ten years. I bought some Gold Bond lotion and slathered it on!
We went to his class, being temporarily held in a church building while his students built the new school.

He was formidable, but I knew I would go back. At home I studied him with a deep interest in all he had to say. I am a very honest person so his honesty, shocking as it was, resonated with me. I was broken in bits and pieces by my grief, but at his school it was all I could do to focus on the present moment. I knew that he knew, but what did he know?

At this first talk, he said “Never blame the con man.” And “You’re getting conned in weirder ways than you think.” I remember because I bought the tape of that talk and all the ones he gave for about ten years. I listened to each one twice and made notes. I got some plastic bins to store them in and Bob made some wooden dividers for them.

After I kept them for about 20 years I let them go. I knew nothing more than I had when I first heard him speak (at least on the emotional level). But I sensed that even this was progress for the average human being. Our race (the human race) is in the midst of destroying itself through greed and egotism. All seers know this. Mankind is not kind! Only if you are on the upward path will you be able to see this.

You begin by studying yourself and what you are actually like. You will be shocked to see how petty you are and how little actual love you have inside. This is huge progress. Vernon stripped away our facades as quickly as he could, but we had to do most of the work ourselves.

Growing up, I had always been an A student and was very, very compliant. I had a dream in which Vernon said to me, “Don’t be so accommodating. Act a little tough.” And I knew he had spoken to me from beyond the grave.

These days I pound out these essays with ease. I am finished with any social life that I used to hate so much. Now I read the cartoons that Elsa Bailey posts on Facebook and I have discovered the beauty and humor of Anke Scholz on her page.

I sit in silence a lot, but I also enjoy Netflix and crossword puzzles. I think this essay is finished, so I will only say one thing to you: Study your actual emotional condition. It ain’t “purty.”

Vicki Woodyard