The Crucifixion

I have been living the crucifixion for many years now. Not quite dead but not quite alive, either. Lest that sound unreal to you, you simply have not gone deep enough into esoteric teachings. In them, there is no sunshine. Just an empty tomb and no savior to be found.

Call me dramatic, but I am just telling you my truth.

Once I started studying esotericism, I never quit because it fit the bill for one like me. I began to study the New Testament as the ultimate treatise on esotericism (for me, anyway,)

Yes, Jesus sounds like a positive thinker, but He had ditched his mind for His Father’s. Now they were one and the true message always involves death before rebirth.

Having been in deep grief for decades, all the while studying truth as the only living food for me, I was drawn deeper and deeper into death and resurrection. You can’t have one without the other.

I have not been to the cemetery where my daughter and husband are interred. I will be cremated when my time comes, and I am told I will live a long life.

I live in pain a great deal of the time, and that forces me deeper into solitude and reflection.

The church is an antiquated institution, period. And because this is so, people that attend church are “against” the living truth, the manna of the moment. They prefer platitudes and preaching while the individual bound to the cross is beyond sermons and service.

Human beings must die into their surrendered essence and this is an impossible task. Having said that, what happens when an attempt at this is being lived?

What happens is that the superficial self is dying off one small cell at a time. It is suffering unnecessarily but it can’t be told this yet.

There were years and years of study for me, buying books and making notes. But still I didn’t change.

I still haven’t changed and yet I know the truth which continues to set me free.

Vernon Howard was a teacher for me although I didn’t talk to him personally. When I met a shaman, he relieved me of a massive amount of grief by working on my body.

Now I am left with mind with all of its puny excuses for forgetting what is important.

And on and on I go, upward and downward, for this is a spiral path.

“Die before you die” is the true route back home, but there are endless byways that we choose to delay our true death.

“Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting….”
~William Wordsworth

But words are not the thing. Only the thing is the thing. (Humor is a great salve for the human beings that we all are.) At least until we meet our Maker and remember everything we thought we had lost. Until then, we are wise to eat our humble pie and give thanks for it!

Vicki Woodyard