December 16 and I find myself being increasingly tense. Confusion has set in and the chocolate eating is in full swing (by me.)

The kitchen counter is a nightmare. There is a naked stovetop glaring at me with its empty eyes. Oh, there are new ones but they have yet to be installed. The first new ones did not fit, just as I will soon not fit into any of my pants!

I slept poorly last night, owing to stress and a neck ache. I think I caught a few winks around sun-up and now I am feeling every last holiday twinge of guilt. I ask myself, “Why do you buy these things thinking that you can give them to other people?”

I live the life of a hermit these days. Even so, I am able to do double duty as criminal and prosecutor both. Here’s how it goes. I buy something for someone only to realize it is not at all appropriate, so I decide to either keep it or give it to someone else.

After a few rounds of this game, my head is spinning and I am reaching for more chocolate. I have no idea anymore of who likes what and why I bought things they will probably hate.

I sit on the floor to awkwardly wrap a few presents, building a nest around me of wrapping paper, tissue, tape, scissors and gift tags.

Of course I have trouble getting up off the floor. I bet the elves don’t sit on the floor to do their work!

Oh, the verdict has just come in. I am going to be prosecuted to the nth degree for littering in a monastery (I did just say that I am a hermit, did I not?)

I can’t be bothered to defend myself. It would be awkward to accuse and convict myself of criminal confusion and questionable judgement. It is way past trial and already moving into pondering jail time.

I know that all of you are experiencing the same emotions to a greater or lesser degree. If you are not, I imagine that people secretly hate you.

I shall wrap this essay up in order to avoid wrapping actual presents up.

Have a holly jolly Christmas topped off with a free guilt trip up until December 25. After that, you’re on your own.

Vicki Woodyard