“I’m gonna say what I feel and do what I want.” That sentence popped into my mind last night. It was too late to write an essay and if I did, I knew it would keep me awake for hours. The sentence was told to me by a counselor decades ago. He said, in words to this effect, a fifty-year-old man said that his birthday wish was to say how he felt and do what he wanted. Now that is a mantra that no one lives up to! And the reason is that the people in your life would feel pain. So he was saying that he wanted to do and say what he felt regardless of the fact that others might feel pain. We need to remind ourselves that we are “others” ourselves.

The pain we feel is constant and there is no relief in sight. Once you see that clearly, you also see that we are the cause of most of it.

Social dishonesty is taught to us as children. But as adults we can re-examine our little social lies. I have left society but guilt still arises easily for me. I imagine what the other person would feel if I left them know how I really felt.

I am happiest without having a social network. Simplicity satisfies me in a way that complexity doesn’t.

This is autumn and I watch the leaves fall to the ground and make a golden carpet. The air is brisk and it calls for tea and muffins. I am happy.

Other people do not make me feel happy. And likewise, I don’t make them feel happy.

Solitude is rare in today’s world of noise.

I am gonna say what I feel and do what I want.

Power to take back my life feels good.

Silence drapes itself around me and I breathe into it.

I am witnessing the cure for self-betrayal.

It feels like a gift.

Vicki Woodyard