I have had few friends this lifetime. My best friend was from Germany and we were fast friends for ten years. And then the unthinkable happened. My 7 year-old died and I could not carry on a friendship built on cheerfulness. I tried, I really tried, but her sunny smile seemed to make my grief only worse. Her cheer was real, though; and she grieved with me. It was she and her husband that flew little Laurie to Philadelphia to visit the Shrine of St. John Neumann.

She died despite them praying for a miraculous cure, and I withdrew into myself. Fast forward over forty years. She and her husband are living with one of their sons in Santa Fe. The last time we talked to each other was when Bob was dying. She offered their home as respite for me in my exhaustion, but I preferred solitude.

Being an introvert, I have never craved much company anyway. Our friendship was a youthful and untried one. I will always feel bad for not keeping up the relationship, but by then I had learned to honor myself instead of playing false.

Vernon Howard said this: “Friendship with the world is enmity against God.” And I totally get it. Awakening is not about going to church; it is about going within. Once you set out on your true journey home, it grows clearer and clearer what he meant.

I share myself through these writings; other than that, my only friend in real time is seeing her husband through the last stages of Alzheimer’s. The last time I saw her was about two months ago, when she visited us for lunch.

I have learned little during these decades of studying truth and most of it is negative. I see how we play false to friends in order to keep up the facade of friendship.

Those who read my essays are likely introverted themselves; I like to think we understand each other.

Energy is accumulated as we study esoterically. It is foolishness to waste it on empty socializing. I am sure a few of you get me and will agree. If you disagree, that’s okay; I just know what I know. Take what you want and pay for it, as the old saying goes.

God is the true Friend and He lies within the heart. Amen.

Vicki Woodyard