I am at the age of looking back over my life now and it has been a very hard life. The absolute worst was when my little girl died, almost having completed the first grade, but not quite. She was a joyous being, whereas I have not been. She welcomed life with open arms and me, well, I prefer solitude and the gift God has given me of writing.

I got a haircut today and Win, the Vietnames girl who has been cutting it for years, talked to me about things I could do to cover up the littler round spot on the top of my head. She agreed with me that hair would not grow back there, but it was not so bad. And it isn’t. Losing my little Laurie was bad. As far as aging is concerned, I am not fighting it at all. I love sitting in solitude with the great questions still unsolved.

I was watching a beautiful video made by an 86-year-old woman talking about her life. It has inspired to write deeper and better, not worrying about what anyone thinks of me. Oh, there is one nasty subscriber to my blog that keeps hurling insults at me, but that is okay. I am made of strong stuff.

My son and I have spent the past 18 years struggling to find a balance in our relationship. I get up early and he is a night owl. I play the TV too loud and he wears noise-cancelling headphones!

We don’t talk about the past and how both of us were broken open twice. He has not read any of my books and I understand why. When I write, I play the vulnerability card, whereas with him I don’t. He now does all the driving and is constantly having to jump in and solve various problems for me.

Do I experience joy as I approach my 80th year? I can’t say that I do, but my solitude is quite peaceful. I can spend the day any way that I like. I can cook or not. I can write or not. So on and so forth. There were many years when I woke up to face another day of grief or servitude to the dying. I was tapped out physically and emotionally for decades. So for me, joy is not as important as healing to me.

Enlightenment is no longer an issue, for human beings must come to accept that we simply do not know what happens inside of any other human being. We are all made up of both good and bad. We make one step forward and two steps back. We are learning patience and fortitude.

I know that my writing hits home with the right people. I have no other talents, so I use it to the hilt. When I die, “Bigger Than the Sky” will have been my biggest success. Not because it was a success, but because I know from myself that every word in it arose from profound loss and therefore profound wisdom. For me, they are the same.

Vicki Woodyard