The Nitty Gritty
Christmas always feels like a heavy sentence for me. It will be the 18th without Bob. Last night I had a dream where he was working in Florida and would not come home. Rob was going to spend a few days with my mother in her apartment and we were going shopping. Bob had come along and he was riding behind me in this cart thing that we were shopping in. I had no arm strength when it came time to pull myself up and over the handles.
I felt that Bob was judging me for my weakness. The dream went on and on and on. I kept trying but it kept getting harder and harder. When I woke up, I was almost in tears from wanting to be with Bob again.
The nitty gritty of life on earth is not easily accepted nor does it bring success. “My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Amen to that.
Last night I made candied walnuts that did not harden and that disheartened me. I have lost weight, due to somehow being able to stay on a diet. I want to get my A1C down before I see my doctor for lab work in a few months. I have cut way down on sugar and starches.
Back to the nitty gritty….
Life is hard, you struggle with it.
It continues to be hard.
You continue to struggle with it.
The bar becomes higher, not lower.
Finally something shifts that you
Are in no way responsible for.
It is called surrender.
If surrender is done with the mind, it doesn’t last.
If surrender happens and it doesn’t last, you know
Your faith is growing.
And at some point you will leap
Into the arms of love.
Vicki Woodyard
I am enjoying your Christmas posts. I remember being in the second grade and my teacher told us, her class, that we don’t know how lucky we are to have a family to celebrate with at Christmas time. She said that plenty of people don’t have anybody. My second grade self was shocked by those words, and also, the trace of bitterness or anger in her voice. I thought only Scrooge or Grinch was alone at Christmas. Definitely not nice people through no fault of their own. I didn’t give her words much thought after I left the classroom that day. I don’t know why they stuck with me all these years except now I am facing a year like that, and I’m wondering if my teacher had spent her Christmas alone. I want to go back in time and be more compassionate and understanding to her but I can’t. I will try to be that way to others, and maybe myself, this year instead. Thank you for your honest and wonderful blog.
Hi Michele,
There is a part of us that is yearning to “not be alone.” And another part that avoids being with people on an artificial basis. That is where I find myself most of the time. I try and convey just how hard self-honesty is and how selfish we all remain, despite being on the spiritual path.
I loathe dishonesty yet I am quite capable of it because that is just how human beings are wired.
Holidays are a terrible time for me; it is just the way I am. I hate elaborate celebrations and so at Christmas it is just my son and I.
No matter how we betray ourselves, something in us continues to walk towards the higher path.
I am glad you are enjoying the blog.