The Seventh Book
I was told by someone long ago that I would write seven books. I have published three in paperback and three in ebook form. I begin what I will be calling my seventh book in this moment. Last night I had a wonderful dream in which I was in a group of women. This was not a social group; it was my sangha.
As my husband was dying, on the advice of the head of the cancer group that my husband and I were attending, I had a session with a psychotherapist. His office was just across the hall in the office building where The Wellness Community was housed.
I met him and the first thing he did was put some acupuncture needles in my face and a few other places. Then I spread my sorrow out before him and he listened carefully. I told him of my daughter’s death from cancer; that having now to do it again with my husband was unbearable.
He said, “My wife and I have a pact; that neither of us will commit suicide, unless we should lose our only child, a daughter.”
I told him I was a writer and working on a book. He was, he said, about to publish a book himself. I told him I was writing on a website I created and suggested he take a look at it. We walked into the room where his computer was and he brought my website up to take a look. He had a bit of a shock as he saw an image of a wild horse on one of the pages. He said that his path used the image of a horse, too. This meeting was over eighteen years ago, but as I can recall, he might have been studying a type of eastern religion.
“You are a big person,” he told me. “You have written a book, you have gone through the fire. You need to find your sangha,” he said.
“What do you mean,” I asked him.
He then told me that he had been estranged from his birth family and an older man that he led this practice with took him into his family. “You need to find a group that can accept you for who you are.”
That group is happening with each essay that I write. A few of you have found your sangha in these essays and that makes me happy. I am not asking anyone to be happy, though. I am just revealing my own darkness. I shared it with my friend Peter, as some of you know. We had a sangha of two for a handful of years. I have good news; it is still alive in me.
Love,
Vicki
Beautiful and touching, thank you. As my wife is quite ill I am going thru something similar like you did. It is really hard but brings me back to basics. I don’t have much space for fantasy anymore. That is good.
I see now how much of my energy was devoted to fantasies of the future. I am being hit by a big Zen Stick.
Yes, the big Zen stick takes so many forms. I look to Leonard Cohen as one who turned darkness into light for so many of us. Life is an enigma that the brain cannot figure out, so the heart begins the second birth of the soul. As you and your wife embrace the suffering and sorrow, may you both see the darkness as a vehicle for more light.