Since the death of my husband in 2004, I have tried, from time to time, to make some kind of a meaningful connection with people. At first I attended a women’s spirituality group. I stayed for about five years and then little by little, I eased out of it.
The next thing I did was to attend kirtan with a very loving group of Bhakti yogis. The vibes were wonderful and the people quite special. However, I knew immediately, that like the women in the spirituality group, they would not be a part of my life.
I started Tai Chi at a cancer wellness group that both my husband and I had attended. I loved it and kept it up until I caught a virus. I ended up in the hospital about ten days later and stayed for a week. Once I got home, I realized how weak I was. My voice had gone and my stomach was quite sensitive; this went on for about 3 months.
I went back to another kirtan and then the isolation began. I had spent about five years in each of these three places. I had to reckon with guilt for dropping out. What was wrong with me? I played by the rules, but the rules gave me no joy. I knew, deep down, that I would always be alone.
When the pandemic hit, I enjoyed the social isolation I was already in. In fact, I have no desire to go back to the world of socializing that has a price tag on it.
The virus, as I was to learn, left me with neuropathy. I asked Dr. Bernie Siegel if he had any advice for me and his comment was characteristic for him: “Honor your limits.” And so now, thanks to the virus and its indelible mark on me, I have finally begun to honor what is mine.
What is mine cannot be taken away, nor does it need to be defended. I stand on the rock of self-realization now. The winds of loneliness may sometimes howl, but my spiritual stance is sturdy.
I write to those with ears to hear. They not only hear the good news, but the bad as well. We rise to the heights only after we have sunk to the depths of despair. But all is well. And I hope to keep writing. How long? Perhaps for another 3 years. I just renewed my web hosting for that long and it costs quite a bit. By the end of those 3 years, I will probably be ready to leave the keyboard. After all, silence is the end point for us all.
Vicki Woodyard
It takes a long time to reach solace from our solitude. Most of our time prior is mixed with anger, fear, resentment and sadness that we are alone and/or that we are “different.” Trying to “mix in” or “be part of the crowd” generally gives us feelings of inadequacy. Finally, as we stop fighting our true nature’s need for solitude, we realize that solitude is an answer and the comfort that we have been seeking all along. Being alone is the time needed to learn about yourself. Vicki, your beautiful essays (so often) lead us to the quiet time where we can meet our inner essence. Thank you very, very much!
I struggle daily to remember what needs to be remembered! We all do, as no one is different from God! Christ struggled, as we all know. “Let this cup pass from me…”
Silence is our time with the god within and we are blessed by the friendships of those with the same goals. Sometimes there is only “I” without thought defiling it.
“I went back to another kirtan and then the isolation began. I had spent about five years in each of these three places. I had to reckon with guilt for dropping out. What was wrong with me? I played by the rules, but the rules gave me no joy. I knew, deep down, that I would always be alone.”
Vicky, I almost leapt out of my chair with a whoop of recognition at your words. I too have a “social” history in roughly 5 year interludes. I seem to be able to muster the patience to try to fit in for that long before I simply withdraw. My most meaningful times are when alone. At 65 I feel a need now to be completely authentic and stop trying to appear “normal”. (chuckling……..what the hell is normal??!!)
I recently joked with someone that my funeral will be a very small affair indeed. Oh dear 🙂
I love meeting other introverts; they get me with no need to defend myself. I have let it be known that I will be cremated with no service. So appreciate me now 🙂