The older you get, the realer you must become. Feeling safe inside your own skin is sometimes difficult. I turned down an invitation recently, not because I didn’t like the people, but because at my age, pretending gets harder and harder. The social mask is not who I am.

Who I am is a mystery to me. I read the Gospels and refresh myself on the inner meaning of life. Human beings tend to destroy it; Christ knew that. Nevertheless, he remained true to himself in order to give us freedom from the world of mirrors.

Silence is my medium and writing words from silence comes naturally to me. Hanging out with people does not. I am often saddened by this fact, but I must remain true to myself.

I did not sleep last night. At 3:30 I got up and made myself some toast and jelly. Then I went back to bed and tried again to fall asleep. I couldn’t. Now it is almost noon and I haven’t dressed yet. I did eat a bowl of oatmeal and drink some tea.

Sunday is a day I can do without. Too much nothing going on. I am always happy when Monday rolls around. This week I have several things to do outside the house. I let my drivers license expire; I simply forgot, since I stayed home most of the time. I was born to stay home, but even I need the occasional trip into the world.

I know that a a lot of you are introverts like I am. For us, it is important to live within rather than from without. Socializing is not for us. I sometimes envy extroverts for their many friendships. But I am called to be content within. I am not lonely, however. I am often sorrowful, due to the difficulties of my karma.
I balance the sorrow by sitting in silence. Silence knows nothing but pure being and it is an anointment of grace when it lifts you up in mystery.

But what about joy, some of you might ask. I know nothing about it. I am too serious. I do love to laugh, however. I have written many one-liners that are truth in disguise.

At the end of this life, nothing will remain but emptiness. That is true for all of us. Out of the emptiness new life will flower on the ashes of what we pretended to be. Ultimately, life is a mystery. To enjoy it we must partake of reality and accept it for what it is, a gift if you can take it.

Vicki Woodyard