Since my daughter’s death at age 7 and my husband’s death at 63, I have opened so many doors that led nowhere. My spiritual journey was just like everyone else’s. I began with Yogananda and ended with a Peruvian shaman that restored my energy body. I spent thousands of hours and dollars on books about the path and awakening.
When I was not studying, I tried in vain to force myself into a social mode, but I failed miserably. Deeply introverted, I found myself exhausted and unfulfilled by social contacts that most people easily embraced. I was marked out for the inner journey.
I put on a good front. I dressed nicely and spoke politely; it was a mask and I knew it. I am a Scorpio and we are strongly drawn to the occult. Not in a spooky way but in an “I want to study deeply way.”
Fast forward to my life today. I am sitting on the couch watching American Idol. Yes, I love that show. With part of my attention on what the singers were saying, I thought of “All the doors are closed but one.” That sounds good, I thought. When American Idol is over, I will waltz into the dining room and pound out a note. I knew what it meant; I just had to let the words unfold on the screen. So here they are:
Jesus is watching as I try so many different doors and find all of them closed. Others are being welcomed in, but not me. They are closed against me. But I am not a quitter. I kept trying, on and off for years. Most opened briefly, but none stayed open. None was the one and I knew it.
Now I am in Act III of my life and things are starting to slowly fall apart. My energy is not what it used to be and I try to resign myself to things as they actually are and not how I want them to be. I think you know what I am talking about; it happens to everyone eventually. You cannot force yourself to feed on the husks that the ego offers you.
As I reach the end of this essay, the answer is inescapable and it could be a booming James Earl Jones voice, “All the doors are closed but one.” And if I can only remember that, if I can only impart that to others like me. We know who the door is, of course. It is the Christ Consciousness and it will not be denied. I may keep trying other doors but they are all in vain. This is not bad news; it is the Good News.
We must not think that we are above Christian teachings. A great many people have turned smugly to eastern teachings when Jesus said that he was the Door. I respect eastern teachings but I keep returning to the Gospels for my refreshment these days. Non-duality is lacking a certain humility that the words of the New Testament offers. I need to return again and again, all day long, to the door that is open for me. Behind it is a blinding light.
Vicki Woodyard
I feel a push and a pull in a certain direction with your words Vicki. The need to revisit the words of Jesus and the gospels is strong. Oh the elitists thoughts I’ve had over the years…when in my youth and in the depths of despair and fear I knew better.
Sleep well.
Everything you said resonates, as we all “fall short of the glory of God.” We think we are unique when we are far from it. So we plod on, returning to the basics time and time again. It is well with my soul, are words to ponder.