It is hard to remember God’s reality, which is “I am” is all that we need. Instead we suffer from our own reality, our own collection of protective thoughts and feelings. We tend to think that others have it better than we do, but they don’t. Mankind is mankind, after all. As someone said to me, “We are the fallen people.”

I am not talking about celebrities that almost kill themselves on drugs, enter rehab and emerge all starry-eyed and camera ready. They will be on the front page of any number of magazines that sell copies based on this kind of thing. No, I am talking about us, the ones that genuinely seek God and just can’t quite get ahold of him.

I left online groups a long time ago because the cult of personality thrives there. Someone says they know who they are and can tell others. The others get pushed around while trying to prove their right to be there. I suffered a lot in these groups and finally just said no.

There is no reason why you should read me; I am not enlightened. What I am is persistent. The essays pile up and if you sift through them, no answers will be found. Vicki will not even be found. I spoke to someone yesterday whose family member had died. She was a beloved figure and will be thoroughly celebrated. I will not have even a small service; I will just be remembered by a handful that remember reading my essays.

This is what I know this morning—Vicki will not be saved, but her soul will rise like a phoenix, for she has led a difficult life on the emotional level. Instead of gathering people around her, she pushed people away. She studied truth daily and has made little progress in dying before she dies.

You who know me know I speak my own truth and that I still suffer from life on this weary old planet. I have developed physical issues that will only grow worse in time. I am so grateful that I can still write. I am stripping my house down as best I can, preparing for a move that may never come. If anything, I have been over-dutiful this life and have not had any real fun that I can remember. This doesn’t matter; I have sought the essential and have sometimes touched the hem of its garment. Than true gratitude arises.

Vicki Woodyard