An insight has come to me and it is hard to put into words. It is about how I feel and so it is also about how you feel. Maybe you don’t know it or it hasn’t sunk in yet, but….

I have always been alone and nothing on earth can change that. Happiness has always eluded me no matter how much I have tried to attain it. I am made of sterner stuff than to be easily satisfied with the things of this world. I always feel confused and anxious on some level. But the world expects me to play a role, so that is what I do.

Picture me in a bathroom at St. Jude’s crying because my life has turned into hell on earth. It has never returned to anything but that. But don’t feel sorry for me; I have had the companionship of the great minds of the world. I have joined their band in hopes of learning my earth lessons.

Picture me holding the receiver talking to my husband in the hospital and I hear someone say that the oncologist will be in shortly. Now I know what is wrong with him and my hell on earth will get hotter.

Picture me newly widowed and struggling to come to terms with that. I go to Cancer Wellness and do things there that feel comforting. I go to art and Tai Chi to fill the hours in my long days.

I write almost daily but never have I touched the core pain that keeps me tied to the earth plane. I know that most of you cannot take what I have had to endure. There is a wall between my son and I. Too much sorrow has created a fissure not easily filled. Our hearts are bruised in an essential way.

I cannot fool around when I write. I must tell you that indeed, earth life is solely about coming to terms with loss. I apparently agreed to an accelerated course.

I have a knowing that can only be transmitted to the few. This knowing keeps me anchored here with this terrible knowledge. Suffering is the price we pay to be here. There is no way around it. I cannot be social because of this knowing. It ruins any relationship eventually.

A few of you are on the same page with me. I feel you. You do not like being preached to or talked down to you. You cannot fake friendships that will ultimately lead you back to this hell on earth. Christ knew the hell realms well. My little girl was initiated into His Arms and left this plane to be with Him. My son and I will endure unto the end. We will do what we can to keep going while knowing hell at its ultimate core. He is a good man burdened with too much sorrow, too much solitude.

So that’s it for now. I just wanted to try and talk to a few of you about this. No comments required.

Vicki Woodyard