I have written my way out of hell, or so it would seem. But I am not yet in heaven. Who I am now is a complicated melange of sweet and sour, strong and weak, smart and dumb, etc. You get the picture.
Now my new mantra is: Let it come to you.
Since I got up the nerve to finally do the interview on Buddha at the Gas Pump, I have found that perhaps I should not give up on speaking. Maybe I am a welcome change from the people that have become “enlightened.” I lay no claim to that.
I do lay claim to being a survivor of many hellish years of grief. The flames licked about my feet as I hammered out essays to anyone who would read them. My words come from the furnace and my hands are scarred from their heat. It does, however, help me to heal.
The holidays are not a happy time for me. A husband buried two days before Christmas, a child long dead that I will never see this side of heaven again.
My son and I occupy a large old house that I cannot get up the courage to sell. So this spring it will get a new roof.
I wish everyone a happy 2020. It seems an even number bodes smooth sailing; I hope so.
I sense that my happiness is totally up to me. I am free to do anything that feels good. I can nap, read, write, cook or whatever. No one is standing over my shoulder forcing me to do anything.
The senior years are for self-forgiveness and self-healing. My son is brilliant at letting me figure things out for myself and will help only when I ask for it. He is so good at technical things and I am so poor at them.
The two of us are survivors on this lonely ship. We both cherish solitude since the bombs of cancer exploded in our family twice too often.
What we have now is a relationship mended after years of stony silence caused by the grief. It was easier to do that than to break down and sob. My sobs made it into the pages of my books. Perhaps you will read one if you haven’t already. I hope so.
Love,
Vicki
Vicki, oh I hope you do keep speaking. More interviews! And videos. Your stories and messages are different. Worth hearing.
Thank you so much, Renee. We shall see….
Thank you for your words, Vicki~ whether written or spoken.
Dear Vicki I have listened (in some cases tried hard to but gave up) nearly every interview on Buddha at the Gas Pump and something came alive in me when I heard yours. And believe you me that rarely happens, even though I always want it to. I have not lived the pain and loss that has befallen you but there was something so real and honest about you that felt relatable. I’m so glad you did that interview. I valued it greatly.
Love
Eileen xx
I started to refuse yet again, but my son said, “It’s usually the things you don’t do that you regret,” so I said yes. And I am glad, too, because it
reminded me that I can use my voice as well as my fingers to get the message out. The only message I have is what Vernon Howard gave to me and that is
that we have two selves, The True Self and the False Self. One is conscious; the other mechanical. We have to fight for every inch of higher ground that
we get until we understand deeply that we must die to live and live to die, as some old book said. And as someone else said wryly, “It’s complicated.”
And that is when I turn to humor….