In life we are but cogs in a mysterious machine, blown here and there across the sky. Sometimes up, but mostly down, dreaming of being up! But up is never as satisfying as we think it is going to be. Up is just another attempt by the ego to escape being down.

The work I am drawn to is looking in on the ego and its perennial drive to be seen as a success. But no one seems to remember that when you reach the top, people are aching to kick the pedestal out from under you.

All you have to do is look at The Royal Family. The ups are what killed Princess Diana and they are zeroing in on Megan Markel. Surely you see that behind the scenes she is horrified at what she said yes to. She said yes to a life of royal slavery worse than any normal person could stand up to.

Look at famous people in the public eye. Watch them bribe those in power to keep their power. Watch them marry and divorce, marry and divorce, marry and divorce. Inside their gorgeous homes they sleep on expensive bed linens and cry into their pillows.

So I am getting on in years and every day finds me with a new physical symptom to deal with. It will be the little things that bring me down. I have been through the big ones with child and spouse. My son and I rattle around this large suburban home, having tired of all attempts to be happy or successful.

I have read all the books on awakening and sad to say, most were repeats and regurgitations of other books I have read. A few stand out, of course. Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta come to mind. My teacher was Vernon Howard and there was not a shred of romanticism about him. He threw the hammer down at the ego until we knew that this path was not about finding success.

I also am drawn to Sufism and have realized that the Work has strong components of Sufism in it. I am talking about the Work of G. I. Gurdjieff, which Vernon Howard followed up to a point. But he himself was an original and I was drawn to his teachings immediately.

I do not think we have the right to be negative when life hands us a hard lesson. But it takes a lifetime to see this. You will find me at the keyboard most days, banging out essays like this. I alone am responsible for my life and I find joy in small things rather than grand endeavors.

I like cold weather and cozy nights in this old cedar house. The birds will peck holes in it and the squirrels will eat at it like a gingerbread house. I need a new roof but that will have to wait until spring.

I leave you with this advice. Don’t think so hard. Lie down and let the current of consciousness carry you where it will. Enjoy the ride. It won’t last as long as you think it will.

Vicki Woodyard