I woke at 5:30, got up and ate and tried to go back to sleep. But I gave up. Now it is 7:30 and the day stretches before me emptily. After a bite of toast and some tea, I am here writing to you.

In the early days of the search I read book after book after book. It kept me devoted to the search for awakening. I especially loved finding juicy autobiographical descriptions written by seekers. I found a lot of these as used copies when I went out west to visit Vernon Howard. I discovered Lester Levinson that way. I still remember lying in bed out west reading his book and sharing it with Bob. I also discovered William Samuelson in the same way.

Finally, after many years of searching and reading, I got to the point where I knew answers were not found in books. But one usually has to read lots of books to find that out. It isn’t bad to read about awakening. It is helpful at the beginning, but later on you know that you don’t know and then you are in the final stretch of the journey. Because the mind wants to know something forever hidden from it.

So now I know the great secret and I am telling it to you: The mind doesn’t know because it is mechanical. Behind the mind lies the witness and now it is being activated. Oh, you will forget and fall into worry and blame, etc. But then you remember again. And that is how the rest of the journey goes.

The mind is bored with silence. The heart demands it. The mind wants company. The heart wants solitude.

You now read The New Testament with new eyes and it reveals its secrets to you. This is esoteric Christianity. You understand why church never worked for you. You know that only a handful of people can ever muster up the necessary energy to come home to “I am.”

And what a healing moment that is. Just to sit and say “I am.” And that is enough and plenty. You now have loaves and fishes instead of words and phrases. The journey has come full circle.

Vicki Woodyard