I am writing to a man who has authored two excellent books on awakening. We both agree that the idea of living in spirituality community has not come to any fulfillment. Instead, it is best to live your life in the world practicing what you have learned about the nature of reality.

It is easy for me to live alone because it is not my nature to join any groups. My son lives with me, but we have separate lives. Although he is spiritual, you will not catch him talking about it. He sees clearly what people are like and limits his life to a group of friends he has known since childhood.

We live in a quiet neighborhood among trees and that is nice. We are friendly with our neighbors but there are no deeper connections other than neighbors. Since my spouse and daughter died, it seems to be my karmic pattern to be in solitude.

What have I learned from a lifetime on the path? Not much except acceptance. I was never good at it. But we simply cannot change our karmic lot.

Happiness is touted a lot in commercials where you see people beaming with joy that they brush their teeth with such and such a product. Celebrities beam at their third or fourth spouse. They beam coming out of rehab and they beam talking about their children, many of them living with the other parent. So happiness is not to be sought.

I am not cynical but practical. I don’t seek happiness but peace. And peace is parceled out in small packages. I find it on a day when the energy feels nice and calm or I have slept well. I experience it when I meditate or enter the silence.

At other times I lose my balance altogether and get irritable and blue. It happens to the best of us. My weakness is comparing myself to others that are oblivious to the path but have seemingly normal families. Mine was torn to shreds early only on.

During my periods of grief and loss, I wanted signs from God and they seldom came, if ever. I may have been inventing them. Who knows? Now I am beyond wanting signs. I content myself with wisdom. There are many wise men and women but none of them should call themselves enlightened. Such a silly term. We have to get over it and become content with oneness. That is open to all, although the door of realizing it opens and closes.

The best way to live life may never occur to us; it doesn’t matter. Having false expectations can only lead to disappointment. Maybe, just maybe, I am okay just as I am. I can rest in that.

Vicki Woodyard