Duty seems to take up most of my time. That is because I was raised by codependent parents and I became the middleman. I was the eldest of 3 and always saw my parents as the pair of good and evil. My mother wore the white hat and my father the black. Emotionally I was never torn; I chose my mother always.

As a result, I became a straight-A student, a talented dancer and all-around perfect child. Yet at the age of 13 I experienced a profound panic attack standing at the edge of a cliff I was about to fall off of. The cliff was my first attraction to a boy and he was several grades ahead of me at school. He went into a men’s store and left me standing outside for a brief while. During the time he was gone, I experienced raw terror. When he came out of the store, I hid my panic from him. From that point on, I was a card-carrying agoraphobic, only no one knew anything about it.

The years went by. My dancing stopped because I couldn’t face the public. I turned down opportunities because of my panic attacks. My psych teacher in college said I should major in psychology but I felt I had an inherent flaw and so I didn’t go in that direction.

I married my husband because he felt safe to me. Everyone knew him as the guy to count on if the others got drunk. He was a first child, too, and duty was also his main goal in life.

But we were missing something. Do you know what it was? It was our own inner child. Neither of us learned to experience joy.

Even today in my seventies, duty calls me from deep within. I write these notes easily and well. Oh, no publisher wants them, but that is a sign that there is a depth here that is not easily marketed. Why? Because there are no easy answers.

My life story is bleak and unrelenting. Last night I slept little due to the fire burning in my feet. But my house is paid for and I am set up to keep living here if I so choose. But how will I find joy? How I will love myself in the middle of the pain? I keep these questions alive. God is seeking me more than I am seeking Him. That is the human dilemma. We think we are doing okay.

We think Facebook is okay and having friends there is a good thing. I only have one good friend at this point in my life. Only one that resonates with me on a deep level. One husband, one son, one daughter, one friend, one passion that is my inner journey back to the One.

The One is not concerned about me doing His duty. He is concerned that I am not happier while I am living this earthly hell. I understand the paradox. Earthly heaven turns people into pure egotists. Watch out for those that proclaim how happy they are. They are dangerous.

This is turning into a long note. My duty is simple. I must put one foot in front of the other while keeping the faith that I and my Higher Power are one. This is not codependency; this is a living energetic connection. Amen