I used to collect knowledge, because that is the first step we take on the spiritual path. I spent many happy hours reading every esoteric book I could get my hands on. There was a wonderful place where I found many treasures, The Oxford Book Shop. It smelled of books and I would stand and pick random books off the shelves until I knew which ones I wanted to buy.

Once home, I would try and savor them delicately; instead, I romped through them greedily, hoping that awakening would lie within the pages. I ended up with a great collection of books but no awakening.

When I found Vernon Howard, I threw myself into the study of his books and tapes just like I had done before. I was a very diligent student, still hoping to awaken from the dream of life. But guess what? The dream of life is our shadow; it cannot be removed while we are alive on Planet Earth. This big blue marble is where we know both heaven and hell, but mostly hell. It is where we cry out to God, only to discover that we have no idea if He has heard us or not. Because nothing changes.

Do not believe the born-again Christians. Do not believe the online awakened teachers. Do not believe the popular hustlers of enlightenment. They are talking in their sleep. Their bliss is not real.

So what is left after all those years of hard work? And now I am speaking personally. I have learned a little about energetic understanding. I know, for instance, that I gain energy by studying truth and I lose energy when I get lost in my head. This reminds me of what Vernon Howard used to say, “You will always get your spiritual gold.” He meant that the manna of the moment always pays off. If you are present to your suffering, you will get paid in coin of the higher realm. It is a very subtle thing and you constantly forget. But truth is truth.

Suffering is a fact of life; the Buddha knew that. Gurdjieff knew that and used his own suffering to go higher up the ladder of awakening. Jesus paid the price with his life. And so can we, albeit in much smaller doses. We do not have to drink the cup all at once, like he did.

So those that follow Christ are the few, the handful, those that see clearly through the mask of earthly happiness. Those people that seem so happy are just good actors. Don’t envy them; see through them. They know not what they do. But then neither do you.

There is a God within that wants and needs our attention. Do not look for it any place else. Sit with your anger and your sorrow and don’t try to escape it. Drink the cup. See what happens next. You never know until you try.

Vicki Woodyard