Dear S,

I visited Vernon Howard’s group from 1985 until his death in 1992. So we were out there at the same time. During those years I was totally absorbed in his teachings, listening to the tapes in a Walkman and transcribing them. Yes, it was difficult to be in Boulder City. The students were not nice to visitors and I would return to my motel and cry.

No one can understand the difficulty unless they were actually there. And now I find myself with this intractable nerve pain and I feel like I am facing the void. Words do not help this pain. I am at the beginning of trying to find help and all I read online is that it will worsen over time. I am hoping the acupuncturist will work miracles; I know the drugs will not.

I look at what I am writing on the blog and no one will be interested in the content right now so I am glad you are. It is perfectly reasonable to me that I feel deserted and empty. Me, whose flow of words has been easy for the past 18 years or so.

The word “enlightenment” loses all meaning, and that is how it should be! I am stranded on an island of pain and there is no way out. Do you remember the talk Vernon gave about the man on the island trying to escape? He couldn’t. And Vernon left him there, as I recall, leaving his students with their own escape to figure out.

I feel the urge to post this on the blog, so will change it slightly and voila! Today’s entry in what may be the ending of a certain part of my life. The part in which I was telling others how to deal with their pain. My own is pushing everyone else out of the picture so I can sit with the dilemma of “No Escape.”

Sincerely,
Vicki