I feel an undercurrent of sadness every day of my life; it is simply the background music of my life. No amount of enlightenment can take away my life experiences of nursing a little girl from cradle to grave and from nursing a strong husband to his. My son and I survive, but we continue to pay the price of being sensitive souls.

I have imbued this old house with the peace that can only come from such deep sorrow. I used to worry about moving but lately I am realizing that I am not strong enough emotionally to handle such a move. If it happens, it will happen but I will not be planning it.

I don’t show my sorrow to people nor do I talk about it. This only happens when I write. I studied with Vernon Howard and that gave me an intense point of concentration for many years. Now I feel I have moved away from any intellectual pursuit of enlightenment.

I am basically interested in the energy of the soul and how it can empower the saddest life with meaning. I remember Leonard Cohen saying that he learned “to never lament casually.” And I heartily agree. No one can whine about the death of a child. One can only fall to one’s knees in great silence.

My son has had a very difficult life as well. I feel we came in to work on ourselves in an isolated way. Our house is a place of peace, but it has not always been. We had to work through our differences, including seeing a counselor. He was not much help. Why? Because he had not lost what we have lost.

Dear Readers, if you want to be enlightened, you had better be prepared for the brutal truth. There is no heavy lifting that the ego can do to lighten this load. It has to be borne consciously.

No politician can bring anyone back from the dead. No spiritual leader can either. Everyone is stuck in feet of clay. This note is brought to you by the courtesy of my typing fingers. They seem to know way more than I do. I guess some angels are hovering round me. You think?

Vicki Woodyard