I decided to surrender this morning, to jump off the cliff, so to speak. I had another dream of total frustration. I was on a day trip with a group of people that a college friend was taking us on. Things kept happening to me, bathroom issues, food caught in my teeth, losing my shoes. It just went on and on and on. I needed to have my father pick me up, but the tram we were on now didn’t stop. I knew I was in trouble. I asked if anyone could give me a a ride home and a voice at the back said he might be able to. But we just kept going and then a voice said we would be going until Friday. And I woke up.

So after breakfast I just got back into bed and lay there as if I were still riding this tram going further and further in the direction that I didn’t need to go. I felt dumb and depressed.

I just had a cup of coffee and will wash my hair and go to the grocery. We may get winter weather tomorrow and be in for a couple of days.

Sometimes the world drags and at other times it seems to fast-forward us into new territory when we are unable or unready to go. But go we must.

The ego never feels ready for anything, so it begins to think faster and faster and faster. The faster it thinks, the slower things go.

Is life on our side? Is it ready for our surrender? Do we ever really get a grip on things?

The only way to find out is to surrender our grip and let life toss us around like it has always done.

I look like the picture of an aging suburban woman, a proper widow with an appropriate smile.

Underneath the picture I am flying like the wind, straight back into myself.

I have been building up to this moment forever and cannot possibly prepare myself for it.

I hope this picture of myself gets shredded to bits so the light is all there is left.

Vicki Woodyard