I tossed and turned all night. Around 1:30 I got up and had some cocoa and chips. I still lay awake for hours. When I finally woke up, it was after ten. I had had bad dreams and had to slowly shake them off.

I watered my plants and one new one had gotten overlooked. I have a ceramic planter in the foyer that holds 2 plants. I had replaced the old ones with 2 new ones and one had croaked. I had not watered it enough.

Do I have control over things? Only seemingly and in very small ways. I am buried under the idea that I can control things. It feels so logical, so “me.” After all, I was sent to school to learn my ABCs and how to share and share alike.

The struggle started there. I never had any control. Neither did the teachers. Why? Because the very belief that we have control over life is a lie. Life has control over thoughts. If thoughts ruled the world, it would be even darker than it is today.

Forget being nice to people. You’ve tried that. The one thing you haven’t tried is being true to yourself. You were sold down the river, a slave to an incorrect idea.

What to do when there is nothing to do but be?

Answer that and you will be one step ahead of most people.

Insert sigh here.

“So I hear you but being is something that I can’t do.”

Exactly!

And that is why I wrote my books and why they don’t sell.

It is not that I am a bad writer or that I don’t market what I write.

It is just how it is. No one wants a book describing the loss of a child and a mate.

I don’t want it either. But I know the truth will set me free from the idea that I control life.

Take it or leave it. Either way, you have no control.

Hallelujah. (Now that Leonard Cohen has passed on, I am keeping that word alive and well.

Vicki Woodyard