“You must do the thing you want most.
We are all our own crash test dummies.”
~Leonard Cohen
The thing I want most is a feeling of safety, for this world has offered me nothing but danger. Somehow as a child I knew this. I also knew that it would not get any better or easier. That was just an empty promise.
I was wise beyond my years, an old soul in a tiny body. I found no temptations in the world, only tests.
Nothing has changed except the body growing older. So the thing I want the most remains the same. I want the safety of my own essence, of my own company.
My writing is safe haven for me. I do not offer it lightly because it is who I am and what I do. It is my gift to any reader that vibrates on the same string that I do.
I do not take the scriptures lightly. The world is a testing ground but not a permanent residence. The only permanency is to be found in truth and truth leads to love. That is right order.
I grew up in an unsafe household where my father was full of rage and my mother full of compliance. I became a compliant child, obedient and terrified of failure. So I made all A’s and never got into trouble. That was my nature.
If you think the world is for you, think again. Look at the innumerable times when people have risen to fame and then been crucified when they were no longer popular. That is the way of the world. Stop choosing it. Don’t be involved with it. Let self-love be the thing you want the most. Watch how your life changes.
Vicki Woodyard
This is the passage that shook me: “The world is a testing ground but not a permanent residence. The only permanency is to be found in truth and truth leads to love. That is right order.”
I grew up in a good and kind household, but I have always had the compliant nature, don’t make waves, be accepted, don’t color outside the lines, etc. I am exhausted.
It’s not only you; we are all in the same boat. Others may think they are not doormats, but they are. Vernon Howard once said this, “Be a conscious doormat.” He always spoke in contradictory terms, as if to confound thinking mind. I am spending the latter part of life saying NO because I said so little of it the rest of the time. Once you see that egos are not capable of love or kindness, things get a little easier, but not much. Why? Because we are egos and therefore we are no different or better than anyone else. We just see clearly, through witnessing, that we resent being pushed around by unconscious forces. There is no heaven on earth yet we seek it desperately. Look how people elevate certain online gurus because they seem to have answers. No, their answers are no better than anyone else’s. If you could follow them home, you would see it. Thanks for the comments. We are all exhausted, for sure. That is why privacy is essential, especially for sensitive, introverted people.
Vicky, you gave us a quote in one of your essays. I wrote it down and I look at it everyday because it helps me exhale: “This life is designed to overthrow you. Nobody masters it. Nobody masters it.” ~ Leonard Cohen
I can’t get enough Leonard Cohen. He delivered the truth with such love.