You have to remember that Jesus only had a handful of disciples and they all betrayed him. Vernon Howard used to remind us that few want the truth and are willing to pay the price. As Rumi said, “The price of kissing is your life.”

Vernon taught The Work, which is esoteric Christianity. The Work arose from Gurdjieff, and he had a handful of disciples, too. At some point I read many books about him and the Work. Then I studied what Vernon wrote and said intensively.

Now here I am. Nothing has changed much on the outer level. It can’t. I don’t care how many positive affirmations you read on Facebook and how many breathtaking pieces of art you see, they will not change you. Why? Because death is needed. That is the missing piece. Not literal death, though. That would be easier.

So I have hung up my intellectual robes and embraced my own ignorance of how anything works. I sit alone and in this aloneness I am the closest I will come to the teachings. No one would want what I have to give, just as no one wanted what Christ was offering. He knew he had no real takers, but he gave anyway.

Writing is my doorway to reaching other people. It is certainly not through any social interaction I have with anyone. My ego mourns this stripped-down life I lead. It wants bigger and better. But as far as I know, this will not happen.

Letting go of how you want things to unfold is impossible. Christ even asked for a reprieve from the cross and it did not come. Our stories have already been written. As Leonard Cohen wrote, “in blood.”

I am a normal human being; therefore, life cannot and will not satisfy me. Turn away from teachings that promise you anything in this world. Embrace your failings and just sit with them as quietly as you can. I find that this is all that really works for me.

Vicki Woodyard