After my child died there was no role for a bereaved parent. Not in 1978. Not sure there is now. So I did what any self-respecting human would do. I hid my pain in order to make others comfortable. In order to make myself comfortable in the new normal which I had no proper place in.
We got a dog. Rob was in school learning his new role. Bob was becoming a workaholic right in front of my eyes. His work became all-consuming for him. Well, until he was forced to take early retirement before he turned 52. I think that may have caused the cancer. The ten or eleven years he spent in our unfinished basement trying to come up with a consulting career. Instead he was diagnosed with the same cancer that killed his father.
During Bob’s cancer years I became an essayist. I have written thousands of them, all pretty good and to the point. Now I am entering a new phase in my life. Not knowing. Two words I am not good at. Not knowing. For knowledge is something we apply to our broken lives in hopes of a quick fix. There is none.
I have absorbed my life rapidly into my bloodstream. I sit with nothing to do but be. And in this being I am a becoming. An endless love. An eternal flame. The flame consumes the guilt and the sorrow if I am still enough. If I am empty enough.
The new is transcendent only for a moment. But in that moment God is alive. Now we have to keep choosing transcendence as much as possible. And then it begins to choose us. The dance is dharmic, graceful and healing. You may dance alone but God is your silent partner.
Vicki Woodyard
Vicki, I have to say that out of all your beautiful posts, this one is my favorites and touches me so deeply. To experience the “endless love” and “eternal flame” you do, indeed, have to be still and empty. Thank you so much for sharing your deepest feelings and your journey.
To loose your Belovedes is very painful ……
We stand naked alone …..
Penetrating the Mystery of All
Not knowing is our state indeed as i too see it …..
Wish you a Blessed Full Moon dear Vicky
One of your best (if one can apply a value judgement to your writings). It’s just pure and straightforward. . No more descriptive words are necessary yet it says about your past, simply, what you have written about for years. People can ‘get it’..it’s enough. Yet, after a few readings I suddenly thought – what a great opening for your next book; about moving forward..in a way…past the past. I feel you can do that now. Take us on to your future. Lovely, lovely write.
Thank you, Chandra. God willing, there will be a next book, but perhaps not as soon as I had hoped. Getting one out is difficult….
I meant ‘passed the past’…of course. (I am NOT a writer.) Vicki, I have no doubt it is a real challenge for numerous reasons. I did feel a nice momentum in this particular write. Just to mention…xo
I always value your input, dear Chandra….