This is a month of anniversaries for me. My late husband was born and died in December and we were married in that month as well. I remember the first Christmas without our little girl. How bravely the 3 of us stood against the merriment not meant for us.

Today I bought stocking candies and put a few gifts in festive bags. I remember when Bob lay in hospice for four days before passing from this world on Dec. 20, 2004. Time is not important when it comes to love. He is still the angel of all time for me. I will mark our fiftieth anniversary alone.

Tomorrow I will take a breath and make some turkey chili. Stay in and rest. I remember the first Christmas without Bob. He was buried on Dec. 23 and we flew home just in time for a lonely house to greet us. That was when my new life begin.

Thursday night Rob and I are going to a Christmas Eve Party at Cancer Support Community. We will feel at home there with survivors and their families. I will be at ease among sensitive souls. I will remember when Bob and I would go to art therapy there, drawing our way through his disease.

As the days of December unfold I grow more and more weary. I don’t belong in a holiday tableau anymore. There is music that appeals to me and way too much sugar. But mainly love lets me know that wisdom doesn’t have much to do with the way we celebrate the birth of higher consciousness.

Higher consciousness is all that matters to me. Saturday I am going back to hear a Sufi master drum and lead the way back into the Self. Yes, the star still guides us; it just takes the form it needs to help us remember love.

I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer; I do intend to put forth the truth of my inner life. It hangs out in the stables with the animals; it has no affinity for the worldly worship we call the holidays.

Love,
Vicki