My life has taken many dark turns, not the least of which has been my years of grief work. It is never finished, for things trigger it. My son and I are sort of post traumatic stress disorder-ish from years of having dying people under our roof. Sometimes we think it is us. We worry about each other intensely and try not to show it. Try to rise above it. Doesn’t always work.

I know all of the maxims, adages, old saws and spiritual teachings. None of them work all of the time. There is no paradisiacal state wherein you are perfect. If a spiritual teacher tells you that, they are wrong. Humility is being left out. Humanity is being excluded. We should all be able to say, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

Lately I am banging on heaven’s door crying “Help me. Help me!” It is that “all Thy waves and billows have gone over me” feeling that is so familiar. And yet as I sit here writing, the transformational process kicks in. My writing knows more than I do. It knows that I do best when I am in service to the higher, not to my vulnerable ego.

I hope you see yourself in my work. I can’t show you the perfect state for I haven’t reached it. But there are jewels in Indra’s net. Yesterday at Tai Chi, Cate led us through a movement that was like casting your net into the sea and then letting it go so the fish could come in. We picked up the moon in the water and placed it gently back in the sky. Ah, such power comes only from non-resistance.

Kwan Yin continues to guide me through that most powerful statement: “I vow to relieve the suffering of all sentient beings.” The vow is the how.

Vicki Woodyard
Life With A Hole In It